I seriously always catch a glimpse of things or hear things that others might miss. But of course, I share them with you and others who dig my sense of humor and understand my sarcasm. Here are some observations and interactions of my week....and it is only Wednesday!
1. Driving home from the gym, I wonder if my eyes are playing tricks on me, but I do in fact see a female with her thumb out. SERIOUSLY? Who the hell hitches a ride these days? For those of you not familiar with my part of town, she was standing on Long Beach Road, a main artery that runs through north/south through a bunch of towns. This woman was stranded in Oceanside, a town which is safe, especially at 7:20 at night when it is barely dusk. Who the hell doesn't have a cell phone? Couldn't she call someone, anyone? Was this a dare to see if someone on Long Island in 2010 would give her a lift? So many questions!!!!!
2. Before I tutor, I like to grab a cup of Dunkin Donuts to help get me through. So today was just like any other day, except for the woman who did the following:
a. When it was her turn to order, she prefaced it by saying that she knew what she wanted until the blueberry muffin supply was reloaded. She had her eye on a particular muffin, so she requested to examine the batch more closely so that she could find the one she wanted. The girl who had the fortunate experience of assisting this woman grabbed the tray, no questions asked. Then, the two girls behind the counter and I shared a moment of unspoken words that if spoken would have sounded like this; "WHAT THE F IS THIS WOMAN DOING?????"
b. With the muffin selection concluded, it was now time to pay. As if the Dunkin Donuts worker wasn't patient enough, she waited until the woman counted out the 76 cents that was needed to wrap up the $1.76 total. One coin at a time, very slowly....Muffin Chick was literally moving at a negative speed. Again, the two girls behind the counter and I shared yet another moment, all conveyed through eye contact. If our eyes could speak they would have said; "HURRY THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!"
SIDENOTE: Because the girl who was assisting me was a bit distracted by the goings on of Muffin Chick, understandably so, I had time to see how much change was counted out. She was a penny short, but the cashier just grabbed the money and threw it into the register.
c. So, the muffin was selected and paid for. DONE! Not so fast. Muffin Chick then amazed me once again. She opened her paper Dunkin Donuts bag and removed the muffin. She sniffed it. She inspected it. She sniffed it again. She then removed napkins from her purse, white napkins, not D&D napkins, and wrapped the muffin in them. FINALLY, her ritual was complete. I shared one last moment with the D&D girls. This moment was all eyes and puzzled smiles. If our eyes and smiles could have spoken, they would have said; "SHE SNIFFED HER MUFFIN!!!!!"
3. The topic of the week in health class is the male reproductive system. There is talk about scrotum, wet dreams, boners and semen. No holds barred. Which is cool. I mean, it takes a certain kind of person to be able to project a diagram of the male reproductive system, in color, on the SMARTBOARD and speak about the vas deferens with a straight face. While I can banter about such things and make statements such as; "Hmmm. I wonder who drew these male genitalia on the desk...” I simply could not teach the reality of it all. I laugh when they call students with the last name of "Weiner" over the P.A. system. One thing I don't do is pass out while listening to the scientific reason why a wiener is able to stand at attention. I definitely don't have to leave the room because it is making me sick. My friend Rich was blessed with the one student who passes out when he hears the word blood. I might have thought this was an exaggeration until the other day. I was having a very important conversation in the hallway with Rita and Roland when Rich's classroom door opens and two boys emerge, one of which was a shade of pea soup green. Having escorted one of my students to Rich's class about ten minutes prior, I knew that he was discussing the contents of semen that particular day. I asked the green boy what was wrong and he responded; "We are learning about the male reproductive system and it is making me sick." Rich, the caring soul he is, asked another boy to walk the student to the nurse in the event he passed out. What to Rita, Roland and I do? We tell the boy to feel better, of course. We have souls! And yes, we ran to Rich's room, ducked so that the kids could not see us by the door through the window and beckoned Rich into the hall. We then began to laugh that silent and contagious laugh that gives you sore abs and makes you cry.
This situation makes me wonder about whether there is a real diagnosis for people, really men, who are afraid of their penis. I am going to look into this. This poor kid will forever be known as the boy who had to be escorted to the nurse during male reproductive lesson day in health class. I can just picture his senior yearbook: "Dear_________________, Remember when you almost puked in 7th grade when Mr. W said that sperm swim in semen? Have a great summer! Love, ______________"
4. And finally, I believe it is important to be able to laugh at yourself, so if you would have seen me today, you would have definitely loved my earrings and might have thought I looked cute. I was wearing a tan shirt dress with leggings and boots. I rarely where a light color, let alone leggings. So of course, when a colleague pointed out there was something brown near my butt, I nearly crapped my pants for real. I ran to the library bathroom. I examined the brown stain and then I SMELLED IT. It did not look like crap, so I assessed the risk factor and determined it was low. I am like a Bloodhound when it comes to smells and in no time, I knew the offender on my dress was chocolate. I believe that I picked this up while sitting on the window sill during my first period class. Needless to say, Joe, who I ran out on during our class to check out my butt, looked at me quizzically upon my return. I whispered to him that something terrible had happened. I told Joe and he wanted to see the spot which was now a lighter shade of brown and wet from my scrubbing in the bathroom. A couple of the kids saw me slowly turn for Joe, who was, as it appeared, checking out my ass. So NOT the case, but of course, I needed to extinguish ANY possibility that the 7th grade rumor mill would get going and I told the kids what had happened. I assured them that I did not poop my pants and if that were truly the case, I certainly would not be flaunting it. We all had a seriously, good laugh.
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