Where shall I begin?
How about I work backwards from most to least recent?
1. I am a fan of our new place. But, I have two issues with it; spiders and drivers who block the driveway entrance. For some reason, there are a variety of spiders in this area. I suppose that is better than a roach, but I am petrified one of us will get bit by one (EMILY) or one of us will swallow one. I know that there is some folklore circulating out there that people swallow roughly 8 spiders in their sleep per year, but who the hell is really studying this to make this statement valid? No one, but I am still scared. Issue number two annoys me because there is a sign, which in my opinion is not big enough, but nonetheless says in bold, black letter, DO NOT BLOCK DRIVEWAY. I wish diarrhea on those who do block it because traffic gets might congested on my side of the mountain morning, noon and night, especially when a train is stopping at the station nearby. Tonight, one person driving on the opposite side of the road nearest to me stopped to give me room to turn in. So kind (I gave a wave and mouthed an overly exaggerated thank you), but the B in the right lane was smack dab right in front of the driveway. So, being super sweaty from a spin class without any A.C., I did what any logical person would do and turned in, stunning her and her passengers with my lights. I see her mouth “OH MY” to which I replied (through closed windows); “Can’t you read, asshole??” If you live in or near Oceanside and this was your mother, I do not take it back.
2. Staying on the topic of reading, I will just say this once. Don’t sign a contract, whether it is a loan contract, divorce contract, behavior contract or your kids’ class procedures contract without actually reading it. If you try to call someone out on something and you signed your name to a document that clearly states what it is you need to do, SHAME ON YOU.
3. I hate drama. If I look like something is bothering me and you ask what is wrong, don’t be upset if I unleash a tirade on you. You asked so I am not going to sit there and say nothing is wrong and mope. People who do that annoy me.
4. For years, I have dreamed of being ensconced in Missoni. I love patterns, and Missoni is right up my alley. So, over the summer, when I learned that Missoni would be releasing a line at Target on September 13th, albeit a line comprised mostly of acrylic and 250 thread counts, I put a reminder in my phone and scoped out what I thought I might like online. Yesterday morning, I woke up and threw some stuff in my virtual basket and was trying to figure out how I could make it to Targey and back to work in 41 minutes. After viewing Facebook posts and being a victim of the Target website crashing, I knew the prognosis for my one shot at affordable couture was not good. I went over to T anyway, and low and behold, there was nothing. The workers there told me women ran into the store and swiped racks of low end clothes created by high end designers into their red carts with the intent of selling them on ebay. I looked only once, but a forty dollar sweater was up to two hundred bucks and the bidding was still going on. People are pigs. I am just not that desperate.
5. Cindy Anthony, mother of Casey Anthony has proven to be one of the biggest idiots alive. I am so not a Dr. Phil fan, but I am a fan of justice. So, when I heard the Anthonys would appear on Dr. Phil, I put a reminder in my phone to DVR it. I am so angry. This woman is so stupid. Her daughter is a psychotic liar but smart. She knew she could tell her mother anything and she would believe her. What kind of mother doesn’t realize that her daughter has no job? What kind of mother speaks to her daughter on the phone for a month, never once hearing her granddaughter in the background or speaking with her? What kind of mother defends her daughter over and over again and sits calmly while Dr. Phil suggests over and over again that her daughter is a psycho killer?? What kind of mother doesn’t question everything her daughter has told her after she hid a pregnancy for 5 months? Nothing even strikes her as suspicious. I could sell this woman a quarter for a dollar. And, I’m no Nostradamus, but I predict the Anthonys will divorce sometime soon.
6. Stop looking me up and down. I had a baby almost six months ago. I have consistently struggled with my weight and a fraction of my clothing fits, although not the way it used to be. While I fantasized about shedding all 56 pounds of bagels I gained in mere months, I still have a little ways to go and my body is not looking at all the way it used to. To make matters worse, the Gap, my go to store, has been letting me down. I am neither here nor there in any sizes and the sales have been sick. Basically, the clothes are free. I am apparently too buxom for free.
7. I am sure many of you will agree that it is quite vexing when someone less experienced than you, who never has to walk in your shoes, tries to tell you how to do your job. I will leave it at that. .
8. I hate participating in pools, primarily because I lose and am a sore loser. I did join a Survivor Football pool, thinking I would at least make it past the first round. I researched the betting sights and picks and decided that for week one, I would go with the Broncos who were playing the Raiders. The Raiders suck. They never win. Guess who freakin won....OUTS.
9. Rachel Zoe is the skinniest woman in the world and the fact that her show is now airing and picks up where she is six months pregnant and is smaller than me right now really pisses me off. (READ: JEALOUS)
10. If I wanted to look at pictures of food, I would read Family Circle or Bon Appetite magazine. People who post their food creations on FB trouble me. So, I am now going to block them.
Just to clarify, I am not in a bad mood, just a little fired up. I am venting. I feel better now.
