I Think I Am Seriously the Only Jewish Girl From Long Island Who Did Not Go To Sleepaway Camp

As a Jewish girl from Long Island, I am expected to be able to play Jewish Geography with the best of them. Unfortunately, I am terrible at this game because I didn't go to sleep away camp. Growing up, all of my Jewish friends went away, summer after summer while I remained home working on my tan and my weight. I am an exception to the rule. There is the game '6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon' and there is the Jewish camp version that I call '6 Degrees of Nicole Wolfson Nadboy', based on my oldest friend, Nicole Wolfson Nadboy.

I hated day camp. They made you stay out in the heat, get naked in a cabana with other girls to change in and out of a bathing suit and we had to play sports. I would beg my parents to stay home. I had a stomach ache every morning before the bus arrived. I was a shy kid and overweight. It sucked. I was made fun of. The irony of this is that the people who made fun of me now have kids that are slightly over the average weight for kids their age. Karma is a bitch.

If I hated day camp, you sure as hell can bet I wasn't asking my parents to pack up a big trunk for me to be shipped to the boondocks where I would not have any A.C. and would have to swim in a lake. I had seen movies and the fat kids somehow were always the victims. One summer, while my friends were working low on the totem pole jobs at their beloved sleep aways or on a teen tour, I stayed home but attended morning drama classes. Of course, the kids who made fun of me all year were right by my side for the entire month of July. Apparently, I like to be tortured.

My point, I truly believe I am the only Jewish girl on Long Island that did not go to sleep away camp. If you know any others, send them my way. But, I regret that I did not even try it. I'm sure my parents would have been able to drum up the funds for me to go away even if it was just for one month. They had a ton of options amongst the tre-state characters, weight loss camps included! Regardless of where I could have gone, I bet I would have lost weight, made some friends and grew a thicker skin. I probably would have been inconsolable for a few days, but I often wonder how I would have turned out if I was away for eight weeks.

So, in the spirit of summer, which is right around the corner, check out the American Camping Association's website. Become a fan on Facebook. There is nothing wrong with researching the place where you would like to send your kids someday when the weather is warm and you just want some alone time....But seriously, sleep away camp seems like a missed opportunity to me. I think I would have been better equipped with leadership skills and independence. Perhaps I would have been more outgoing and confident at an earlier age. Did I eventually bloom like a flower? HELL YEAH! But what could have been....

Fun With Homophones, Seriously

Homophone: a word pronounced the same as another but differing in meaning, whether spelled the same way or not, as heir and air. (dictionary.com)

Learning the English language is difficult. This week in English class, we have been reviewing plural nouns, singular possessives and plural possessives. Yes, it is the joy that is teaching and so much more. It is tough enough for kids who have been in school for at least eight years to fully grasp grammar, usage, mechanics and spelling. Now, imagine you are just learning the English Language. You would be known as an ELL, English Language Learner. It is tough enough just being an English speaking person, reader and writer, but lets be honest, the rules of grammar and spelling in English are often so frustrating to make sense of. Now imagine you are from Russia. You have been here for a few years and you speak English and read well enough to get by. However, the nuances of our language, such as sarcasm and idioms tend to pass you by. Then, there are homophones. As the definition above states, such words are pronounced like another, but their meanings are different as are their spellings more often than not. I personally refer to homophones as word demons. There is nothing that irks me more than the incorrect usage of these words by adults who simply should know the difference between the meanings and the spellings. But I digress.

Take the homophone pair of DUTY and DOODIE

I mention to my class that I was not going to be having extra help because I had my afternoon duty. The class starts to laugh with the exception of my ELL student. She then asks me why the kids are laughing. I tell her it is because I said 'duty'. The laughing resumes and ELL's confusion grows. I ask her if she knows the definition of the word 'duty' and write it on the board. She tells me it means a job or obligation. I then ask her if she knows the word 'poop'. ELL laughs, as do the others, which lets me know she knows the meaning of the word. I then write the word 'doodie' on the board directly underneath 'duty'. This causes another student of mine to take off in a tailspin. I am firmly instructed to "Get that word off the board right now, Ms. Shapiro. It is inappropriate."

Was it inappropriate? Perhaps, but this was an opportunity for incidental learning not only for my ELL, but for the whole class regarding usage of words. I proceed to ask my student what word she used in Russia in place of doodie and of course it is a word i HATE...ca-ca (this is the correct spelling...I looked it up). This causes a new wave of hysterics and then I am given a brief lesson in Russian words for doodie. Apparently, I was saying it wrong.

Seriously, My Family is Fun

February 20th, 2010, will forever mark the anniversary of Alyse and Rich Leybovich's wedding day. Alyse is my second cousin. Her father, Glenn, is my first cousin and also my father's doppelganger. The cynic in me told Alyse when I arrived in Philly on Friday that it wasn't too late to back out....I think SOMEONE should let the bride and groom know that it really is okay....but, there was no chance of that happening. They are just too damn cute.

My family is not very big, and we are not very close. Our ages run the gamut, and we live amongst a few states. None of us are particularly good with making plans nor do we really enjoy speaking on the phone, with the exception of my father, Ira, and his big sister, Joyce. Yet, when we spend time together, it does not feel like much time has passed at all. We laugh, joke around, shoot the you know what....This is often what it feels like when I see those good friends who I have known for 25 years or 10 years or 5 years....when you are comfortable, when it's right, it is family.

I seriously had a great time with my aunt and uncle, first, second and third cousins. I think some of them might have gotten annoyed with me, as all of a sudden I was Miss Let Me Ask You Invasive/Borderline Private Questions Girl, but it was really because I am going to try and get to know my family better. Why now? Because I am getting old, because you never know, because I never want to say that I didn't try.

My cousin Isaiah, a mere 8 years old, flew in from Florida with his mom for this big event. After a mere 24 hours, he is now known as the Official Family Photographer, or OFP. He snapped over 150 pics and they look damn good.

On a lighter note, I love my parents to death, but I did need some alone time yesterday. Josh was meeting me on Saturday because he had to work on Friday, so I decided that it was fiscally more sensible to stay in a room with my parents. The hotel, The Rittenhouse, was sick....I DIE! No, I did not sleep in the bed with them. I had my own pull out sofa. Now, despite the fact that I am 34, I was told that I had to turn the tv off (it was turned away from my parents and the volume was on 3) and go to sleep. If I did not want to sleep, I was permitted to keep the bedside lamp on to read. Out of spite, I just went to sleep.

On a final lighter note, before you assume my family is completely wholesome and normal, here is a snippet of Friday evening at the rehearsal dinner....

THE SCENE:

An Italian restaurant. I am seated. My cousin Alyse is behind me with my Aunt Joyce, who is her Nana. Alyse is wearing a fitted, sleeveless dress with a V-neck that would not be considered plunging.
My aunt, her NANA, grabs her and exclaims, "I see your titties!!!"

THE RESULT:

I choked on my own vomit.

My Aunt Joyce did confirm for us today that she is a pervert. While looking at pictures of a stripper from my cousin's friend's bachelorette party, she confirmed that she is not a fan of men with bulging pecs, as they resemble titties.

Seriously, now do you understand where I get it from?

Seriously, I am Not a Gambler

So, a few hours ago, Josh and I returned home from Atlantic City. I lost money, he won a bit. I am so NOT a gambler. In the past, I have won twenty bucks, which doubled my investment. My biggest win was a few years back at around 3 A.M. Josh and I were at the Borgata with the Felbers (simply Rebecca and Felber then). We had just left Mixx, THE club, and continued our drinking/smoking binge. As I blindly bet my 5 credit maximum at a Wheel of Fortune machine, a woman next to me began yelling; "You won!". From my foggy memories, I believe she had just told me she had a baby and was away for the night. I was telling her how great she looked, but honestly, I would not have have been able to pick her out in a lineup. So, I won a little over $400 bucks that night (morning). Thinking I could reclaim my fame, I endeavored to do the same over the last 48 hours. The machines were boasting over 500 grand in prize money. Now, they are boasting even more due to my contributions.

But there is more to AC than gambling. There is the feeling of being in the U.N., smoking butts indoors (restricted areas only and I no longer smoke), a dress code where ANYTHING goes. At one point yesterday, I was rocking my Victoria's Secret PINK boyfriend sweats, sneakers and no makeup. In all fairness, I was recovering a bit from the night before and had a 3:00 hot stone massage scheduled, so no need for full makeup. At the same time, a young lass had on mega makeup and a slinky dress. The majority of the dress was black satin but the part that stretched across her chest and her arms was a flesh tone, a la ice skating costume attire. HOT STUFF!!!

Josh and I ventured out of the Borgata and cabbed it over to the TAJ. We walked through to the boardwalk, froze, then walked into Resorts. If you want to feel what a time warp is like, do this. Stand on the AC boardwalk. It is 2010. Walk into Resorts Casino. It is 1981. I think the entire staff there was young in '81. We were just sight seeing, but I think Josh might have one some money in there. When we left, we were catapulted back into 2010.

I thoroughly enjoyed our meal at the Old Homestead, my workout and my hot stone massage. I can go on about food for hours, so just to let you know, Old Homestead is sick if you have never had the pleasure of this fine dining establishment. While I was working out, I was looking through the window at the indoor pool. Apparently, that is where you go with your kids. Outside, it was flurrying, but inside, there were Palm trees, splashes and pasty white bodies everywhere. I took advantage of the spa with the exception of going into the whirlpool. I did not bring a bathing suit and was a bit wary of sporting the disposable suits they had available. I researched this item which is definitely not attractive at all. In case you were wondering, these suits are made of DuPont Tyvek,and can be ordered from www.swimeeze.com. This site boasts:

BENEFITS OF A DISPOSABLE SWIMSUIT


convenience for your hotel and spa guests if
they don't have a swimsuit or don't want to
travel with a wet bathing suit

low cost alternative to carrying regular
swimwear... lower cost suits and lower cost
shipping!

attractive styles in various sizes for men,
women and children

packaging made for easy guest supply
storage

prompt delivery on your order

WHO KNEW?? Alicia, my pregnant, Russian masseuse was great. She made me fall in love with hot stones. Occasionally, her 6 month belly bump did brush up against me and perhaps that is reason I dreamt I birthed 5 babies last night (3 girls, 2 boys, none identical). I did wake up this morning asking Josh what happened last night, as my body has giant bruises on it. No, he did not beat me, and no, there was no rough you know what....I bruise easily, am probably anemic and that massage was AWESOME!! It really left a lasting impression (badump cha).

Aside from losing a bit of dough, my real gripe is in the form of a shout out to the bartender at the Sunroom bar at the Water Club:

Currently, the Water Club is unable to remain open during the week due to low volume during these harsh winter months and even harsher economic climate. So, despite your bulging biceps and good hair, when I order a Skinny Margarita, do not laugh at me. So what if you have to add new drinks to your repertoire as a result of Sex and the City and the Real Housewives of NY and the OC....I prefer to eat my calories and so I am going to order my drink however I damn well want to. And FYI--your tip will be better if you do not laugh at the patron's order. If you were a waiter and I ordered a Cobb Salad, hold the cheese, hold the bacon, hold the avocado, hold the lettuce and , please, could you put the dressing on the side, would you laugh at me too? Granted, I would deserve it more-so than for ordering a drink that has definitely made it into the mainstream!!!

Overall, good times.

Seriously, The Gym is a Scary Place

My guest is physical education teacher in my school district. He is also a fellow tiger, a.k.a, Towson U. alum. He likes long walks......just kidding. He has a fondness for bar crawls, football and Christmas lawn decorations, primarily inflatable snowmen. But aside from this, he is a cool guy, good Friend, and fun to hang out with. My guest and I discovered that we both have rather entertaining and disgusting experiences at the gym and we are even discussing the possibility of creating a blog solely based on this. But for now, here is our first joint entry, with the focus on two of the people we regularly run into in our attempts to be fit and fabulous. After years of working out at several different gyms, I have recently come into contact with two different unforgettable people. BO is an interesting man in his mid 40's. He keeps in excellent shape through cardiovascular exercise....great for you. However, BO (First name Body, last name Odor)has been causing me some mega grief. No matter what time of day I go to the gym, he is there, assaulting my nostrils like the Americans assaulted North Vietnamese bases in Cambodia under Nixon. It is that bad. So, here is what I say to BO in my head each time I get a whiff of him:

BO, you absolutely smell like a knapsack filled with curry that had been left in the Gobi Desert for 17 years. You drip your poisonous perspiration all over the place while stinking up the joint. YOU KNOW YOU SMELL, so take 6 minutes out of your day and find out how a bar of soap works. I will give you a few more shower practice days before I start placing Glade stickups on you.

Love, Special Guest

Now, my turn. I have a NYSC passport membership, so that provides me with the privilege of creeping around facilities everywhere. In Long Beach, I have been frequently running into Hal, or as his friends call him...Halitosis. Like Ryan, he is there whenever I am there. Like a rash, he pops up if I am there at 7 AM on a school snow day, or 4:30 in the afternoon when I have no tutoring or club supervision. Here is what I say to HAL in my head each time I get of his breath:

HAL, do you not notice that people take ten steps back from you when you speak to them? Do your girlfriends/boyfriends/wife/husband wear nose plugs when they sleep next to you? Each time you turn your head in my direction, especially the day when a buddy of yours was talking to you right in between our machines, I almost passed out. Sheer will kept me from doing so, because you were closest to me and I probably would have died had it been you administering mouth to mouth. And to top it off, you are a loud talker too. Perhaps this is how you compensate for the nagging thought in the back your mind that wonders why people never sit too close to you, or why they are pretending to blow their nose but are really just shielding it from your breath. Here is a tip: See a specialist. Look into your diet. Scrape your tongue. Chew a piece of gum 24 hours a day. Or just keep your mouth shut. It sounds harsh, but it is just good looking out.

Are we mean? We are tigers. We are predators, yet our nostrils seem to be the innocent prey of those who are too blind to see they wreak. The gym really is an example of the will that fuels the survival of the fittest.

Some Things I Have Seriously Said This Week

This week was wild! Two snow days and then a whirlwind of business at work. I have not been much fun with CSE season in full swing. Despite this, I have been able to slip in a few funny one liners. If you don't think they are funny, then I suppose you had to be there...and I missed you!

1. When discussing a situation that could have brought tears to the overly emotional:
"I used to be emotional. I used to cry at the drop of a hat. This time, I needed Visine."

2. Upon entering an empty classroom where my friend was doing work, I remarked; "Oh dear G-d! My nostrils have been assaulted by the scent of butt!" The scent of 'tween' butt is not something you want to run into in a dark alley late at night, let alone in a classroom at half past noon.

3. People who don't administer educational achievement or intelligence tests are not familiar with one of the well known authors of some of these. His name is Richard Woodcock. I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! I have to say this in meetings. Sometimes there are attorneys at these meetings with lawsuits on their mind. If I giggle while saying; "I administered the Woodcock-Johnson yada yada yada....." Oh--Johnson is also in the title...check out the link below if you do not believe me.
http://www.riverpub.com/products/wjIIIAchievement/index.html

Today, my friend Rachel, also the school librarian (media specialist) asked me what I was printing, as many pages were spewing out of the circulation desk's printer. When I showed her a report I wrote for an evaluation and threw in the title, knowing what a joker (pervert) I was, laughed it off. She has now wizened up and knows this was not a joke.

4. My friend is getting her bathroom redone. It is completely gutted. Since they only have one bathroom, the family is staying with her parents. I suggested her husband use a big gulp cup as his restroom.....it would serve double duty (ha)....toilet and cup for free refills. Clearly, I was kidding.

You might not think I am funny and that is okay. I am just not in the mood to write a lot but don't want to let the masses down.

COMING SOON: WHAT'S WITH THE FIT FLOPS?

SERIOUSLY, Will You Marry Me?

Last night, I was part of a proposal. One of my brothers in law, Jonathan, decided that he wanted to propose to his girlfriend, Rachel, in front of family and friends at their apartment. The crowd was easy to round up, as Rachel already invited us over to celebrate her birthday. (Note to my 7 followers: Rachel's birthday was this past Monday, so the day is not forever tarnished if something were to go awry. Not that I want it to, but I am a big proponent of NOT proposing on major or minor holidays or days of significance. For example, Christmas, Valentine's Day, the anniversary of the day I passed my road test...you get the picture). Sooo, originally Josh and I had plans which I don't even think he cancelled , but when Jonathan called us to say that he wanted us to be there for him we of course agreed in a heartbeat; family first! NOW, before I share with you how this proposal went down, I would like to reflect on the whole concept. It seems that whenever someone I know gets engaged, after I ask them what the ring looks like (I'm a girl and I like diamonds, SO WHAT?), the next question is, how did it happen? Or, if it is a male friend, how did you do it? Why has the proposal become such a big, dramatic, event where days and days of planning go into the asking of a 4 word question? My hypothesized, non-sociological educational background answer would be competition. What guy wants his girl to say, "Well, he pulled my by my hair, dragged me to the bedroom and said, "You are mine, bitch?" What guy wants his girl to say, well, "He asked me to order Chinese takeout, and when he threw in his request for an egg roll, he asked me to marry him." Or perhaps it is because the male in question wants his future wife to remember this day forever, which, if she really loves you, she will, because she so badly wants to spend her life with you. I am a cynic when it comes to proposals and weddings, but before I get into that, here is a brief history on the matter.

Lets start with Adam and Eve. Eve was not asked if she wanted to get married, let alone if she liked men. As the story goes, God created Eve from Adam's rib, and the two lived happily ever after. I am clearly dumbing down this story, but it was not as if Adam or Eve had any other options but to be together during this time in history. The options they did have are disgusting and I am just not going there today.

Based upon the few moments of research I did, our primitive ancestors did not pair up for the sake of love; the larger the tribe, the more protected the people were and the better chance they had for survival. Loyalty was pledged to the tribe, rather than an individual.

In the 19th century, a declaration of love was the equivalent of a proposal. If that rule still existed today, we would all be polygamists! When it comes to an arranged marriage, there is no asking amongst the couple that is being betrothed. Yet, today, at least in my small microcosm I exist in, proposals are a big deal. A friend of mine was proposed to after a series of scavenger hunt style activities. Another one was brought to the beach for a romantic proposal, only she was annoyed because there were so many kids there on a camp field trip. My cousin was brought to Manhattan to go for the horse and carriage ride for "the question." A girl I worked with was called to the principal's office, thinking she was in trouble, but instead her fiance walked out of the principal's closet with a ring in his hand.

My own experiences range from the dramatic to what i like to call "the caveman" style. If you don't already know, Josh is husband numero dos. He is the keeper. My first husband, not so much. Years back, when I was younger and waaaayyy stupid, I was with a guy for a while. As my friends paired off, married, and began having kids, I was sucked into the idea that I just had to marry this guy. I assumed that the nagging thoughts in the back of my head would be resolved with two little words (I do) and that marriage would just make everything better. Needless to say, it was not a shock to me when marriage made everything so much worse. But, the proposal was something to remember. We had gone to Miami for a few days. The first night, we went to dinner. When we went back to our hotel, I walked into the room first. It was dark. I had to walk across the room to turn on the light. When I did, ex was on bended knee amongst scattered rose petals asking for my hand in marriage. He actually listened to me for once and presented me with the ring I had obsessed over for years.

Flash forward about 4 years (I move quick). New Years Eve of 2008, Josh tells me that we are going to be together forever. Now, what do girls want to hear? The ones I know want to hear that together forever equates to marriage. So at this point in my life, I tell Josh this. And he very dramatically tells me that he wants to marry me and has begun saving for a ring, only I have now ruined things by asking what his intentions are (we had a good laugh over that last night). Josh then had made up his mind that he wanted to get married, called everyone he knew to tell them, and by April 4, 2008, I was Mrs. Shapiro. The way he actually proposed was like this:

SCENE: Living room of apartment. February/March-ish. I am sitting on the couch, either "fake shopping" on the internet or doing work for Annual Reviews.

Enter from the front door (the only door): Josh

Josh (serious and determined): I want to marry you. Let's get married.

Me (giggly, excited, yet slightly reserved): Okay. Should I call my parents?

So, I had the romance, I had the "caveman" proposal. And you know what? The one that is most memorable is the one from Josh, because we are still together. In the scheme of things, the proposal, the wedding, the glamour the glitz...they are not what is important at all. Marriage is about the couple and their commitment. Is it nice to look at pictures from those days? Of course, but photo albums get shoved to the back of the bookcase because the reality of marriage is the day to day, not the poofy white dress and drama over what kind of cake filling to get or peonies versus roses or hair up or down or.......I digress.

So here is how Jonathan proposed. Inspired by our cousins, the Stegers, who love to create songs and poems for big events, Jon wrote a poem that related to our history with Rachel. Presenters included a few close friends, our nieces, my in-laws, Josh and Jake and Jason, my other two bros-in law. We delivered our lines and Jonathan ended the poem on bended knee, with the ring. Rachel said yes.

And like I always do, whether at a wedding or engagement party, here is what is running through my head:

Me: "I hope they are happy."

Fade out from scene to the tune of Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust".

Seriously? Because Yes!!!

So, my friend Rita's son, Anthony, who I lovingly refer to as TNP, has created, what I believe, is a perfectly acceptable response to various types of questions. When asked why he is doing something or not doing something,for that matter,he will say "Because, yes." For example:

Rita: "Ant, why are you throwing a baseball in the kitchen?"
Anthony: "Because, yes."

Now this is not technically even a complete sentence. I suppose it could be considered a fragment, but until I get my hands on the most recent edition of Strunk and White's, The Elements of Style, for arguments sake, "because, yes" is not proper English. Yet, it works. Sometimes, we have no need to give more of an explanation other than "because, yes". Here are some questions that I am frequently asked where this response fits:

1. Why do I have to learn this?

Because, yes.

2. Why are you vacuuming again?

Because, yes.

3. Why don't you have any kids yet?

Because, yes.

4. Why do you often eat Zone bars for lunch?

Because,yes.

5. Why are you supervising that geeky club, Odyssey of the Mind?

Because, yes.

6. Why are you wearing a cardigan sweater, knee socks and no pants?

Because, yes.

Now, for an added challenge, guess who asks me those questions...Of course, I have provided an answer key. (1. students 2. husband 3. everyone 4. people at lunch 5. Roland Clark 6. that never happened)

This is clearly, a great go to response. Now, I will apply it to historical events/famous people and other instances we can all relate to on a more global, rather than personal level:

1. To the colonists prior to the Revolutionary War:

Why did you decide to overthrow your government, Mother England?
Because, yes.

2. To the kidnappers of the Lindburgh baby:

Why did you kidnap the Lindburgh baby?
Because, yes.

3. To Elvis Presely:

Why did you overdose on the toilet?
Because, yes.

4. To the Best Buy worker on Black Friday at 5 AM:

These items were just advertised on sale, your store just opened, and you are
already out of stock. No one has this (insert item you wanted here) in their
hands or hidden under their coat anywhere in the store. Why are you false
advertising?
Because, yes.

5. To: Bill Clinton:

Why did you have sexual relations with that woman, Monica Lewinsky?
Because, yes.

Do you see the impact of this minute phrase???
The morale of this posting is, if I see "Because, yes" on a t-shirt or bumper sticker, I will know you cunningly stole the phrase from a four year old. Rita, get a copyright on this, STAT!!!
*************************************************************************************

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/because

Function: conjunction
Etymology: Middle English because that, because, from by cause that
Date: 14th century
1 : for the reason that : since
2 : the fact that : that the reason I haven't been fired is because my boss hasn't got round to it yet

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/yes


Function: adverb
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English gēse
Date: before 12th century
1 —used as a function word to express assent or agreement
2 —used as a function word usually to introduce correction or contradiction of a negative assertion or direction
3 —used as a function word to introduce a more emphatic or explicit phrase
4 —used as a function word to indicate uncertainty or polite interest or attentiveness