I Know People Who...

1.About a week ago, a friend of mine gave birth to daughter number two in a car. It wasn’t a random car…it belongs to her in-laws car. Mother and baby were healthy, the father was traumatized and the car is now cleaned. The Burberry scarf that was used to wrap the bundle of joy has yet to be replaced. Hospital personnel were shocked, as this delivery literally right outside the doors of the ER was a first for most, possibly even a once in a lifetime. Talk about a Hollywood moment…and a fabulous story to tell this little girl. 2.A type A friend/colleague of mine has catalogued breast milk in a manner more organized than the Dewey Decimal System. After setting a specific goal, she (obviously it is a she) pumped until she was able to store bags of breast milk in the deep freezer. Each is organized by color and includes the date it was pumped and a “use by” date. I think she could create a pocket sized book called “Storing Breast Milk for Dummies.” 3.Have you ever felt like if you didn’t get to a toilet, any toilet, you might just poop in your pants? Well, sticking with the theme of writing books, this friend of mine could write a “Where to Poop in a Pinch” guide. This guide could direct you to a number of lavatories along the Atlantic Coast. Like Zagats, it would include a rating system. The symbol could be rolls of toilet paper. 5 rolls would be the equivalent of being able to eat off the toilet seat, while 0-1 roll would be equivalent to you not wanting the bottom of your shoes to touch the floor. 4. How many times do we allow people to come into our homes to do some sort of repair or maintenance work? How many times do we find our vibrators missing after a painter has completed painting the living room, home office and bedroom? Of all the things one would choose to steal, this one boggles my mind so much that I wonder if it was part of a dare. What does one do with a used sex toy??? Do you boil it first??? Is this painter a collector of sorts??? I imagine him standing in his painters pants, hands wrapped around this new “find”, looking at his corner curio cabinet. This cabinet would be filled with vibrators, framed butterflies and rare coins. "Hmmm, he wonders. Where shall I disply my newest treasure?" 5.After buying stamps at the corner store, my friend did not expect to have the letters she sent returned to her due to the use of counterfeit stamps. Included with the returned mail was a notice letting her know that her name was now on a federal watch-list of sorts. When returning to the corner store, she demanded her money back as well as a Vita-CoCo for her pain and suffereing. It was the least the corner store jerk could do for her. In case you are wondering, the identity of these people shall not be revealed. You know who you are!

I AM NOT AN IDIOT

I AM NOT AN IDIOT. I might be a little ditzy at times, but I attribute that to sleep deprivation. I might be technologically challenged, but no one is perfect. I might be bitchy, but I am a strong willed, perhaps slightly OCD, Sagittarius. But, alas, I am not an idiot. Day in and day out, my daughter takes her socks off. They are the last thing I put on her before we leave in the morning, and the first thing I take off of her when we get home, if she has not gotten to them first. I myself hate socks too. I take mine off before I even get the sweats on after work. So, I get it. What happens to the socks? They are often used as teethers, leaving them soaked. Additionally, they are just held, I suppose in the way a security blanket would be. Other times, the socks are thrown around the backseat of the car. In stores, they are left lonely and discarded in the middle of an aisle, but are either rescued by me or fellow patrons waiting on lines behind us. I had to buy socks in Old Navy to replace a missing pair, only to find them after I made my purchase. There was no use returning them; you can never have too many pairs of socks. So, when you see me strolling along through a store or the mall, you might be inclined to shoot me a dirty look or shake your head in disbelief. You might be thinking that this woman (me), is a total idiot, completely unfit for motherhood, as her child ISNT WEARING ANY SOCKS!!!!! I am so sick of being on the receiving end of the glares and comments. For example, today I went into the Children’s Place. Quite a few people stopped to say hello to the babe, not one of them commenting on her naked feet. Rather, they took note of how well behaved she was and laughed at her silly sounds and smiles. It was clear to them that a happy baby was in tow, wearing a puffy coat and hat. Her mother also had a blanket thrown over the handle of the stroller. The socks were discarded to the left of Em, but visible next to her arm. Somehow, my gut told me this sockless venture was too good to be true. My gut was right. As I approached the cashier, in a syrupy sweet voice, a woman said: “OH!!!! Look at you!!! Your feet must be so cold!!! It’s too cold to be out without socks.” This translates to: “You poor baby!!! Your mother clearly has no regard for your health and only cares about herself. She is such a dirt bag!!! This is the problem with kids today. Their parents are incompetent.” What I said, through a fake smile and somewhat clenched jaw: “Her socks are right here!! OF course it’s too cold to be without socks!” This translates to: “You fucking idiot!!! Babies take their socks off. Why am I going to engage in a sock on, sock off war with an 8 month old when I am inside a heated store? If you are so concerned with how I dress my child, say it to me, not through my baby in a baby talk voice!!!! Quit judging me. I AM NOT AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!”