Now I Know Why Uncle Joey Will Have to Take Emily to Disney Movies

I have never been gaga over Disney. I mean, maybe I was, but I don’t recall ever seeing pictures of myself dressed up as a princess for Halloween when I was little. I don’t know when the Disney store came into existence, but I know that I have never had a desire to enter it. I do know that I had a Fozzy Bear stuffed Muppet, but a Muppet is different from Goofy and Donald Duck. Having a daughter has created the possibility that I might need to invest in all things Disney as well as attend children’s animated films. I suppose this is not even a possibility; it will be my reality.
Right before the winter recess, our elementary school used to gather in the auditorium for a holiday song sing-along which I loved. I’m not sure if that came before or after the showing of Disney’s Fantasia, which I think I liked but really, what kid doesn’t like getting out of class right before a vacation? I have seen Bambi and am scarred as a result of it. I think that movie was ahead of its’ time. But beyond that, I have a mental block. I cannot understand women whose dream wedding is all Disney. On one of the last episodes of Oprah, she sent a couple on a destination wedding to Disney. I swear the girl was more excited over that than the actual engagement. While doing a little research for this blog, I stumble across a landscaping company in Naples, Florida that actually creates extreme lawn designs a la Disney. If you don’t believe me, click here: http://www.lawnservicenaplesfl.com/p/disney-themes-backyard-design.html . Then there is the HG TV show called “Our Yard Went Disney.” I am a reality tv junky, but this makes me cringe. If anyone ever wanted to send a message of hate my way, make my yard go Disney. That would be the equivalent of a burning cross.
A colleague and friend of mine, Joe, loves all things Disney. I accept this. I might have to draw the line if he shows up to work in Mickey Mouse ears or a Mickey Mouse tie, but I have faith that he will not. Previously, a woman I worked with wore Winnie the Pooh shirts and overalls to work. The days she wasn’t wearing that, she wore her Pindar t-shirt. I simply cannot endorse adults wearing cartoon/Disney character clothing EVER unless they are in Disney, let alone to a middle school. Promoting alcohol is also not the best move. But I digress. Joe has accepted that he will be responsible for bringing Emily to see Disney movies, hence earning the name, Uncle Joey. About a month ago, Emily tried to nurse on Joe, and since she doesn’t just do that to anyone, I think she wants him to be her Uncle. But I digress again.
While shopping for maternity clothes at Motherhood/Pea in a Pod, I came across Minnie Mouse shirts. Are you effing kidding me??? Were these made for pregnant teen moms??? Is there really a market for this??? These shirts pissed me off so much that I began to wonder why I had such disdain for mice at all.
Reason 1: When teaching kids the plural of mice, there is always one or two in the bunch who shout out ‘meece’. NOTE: There are only one or two who shout it out. How many are thinking it? Certain grammar and spelling issues really piss me off.
Reason 2: Somehow, turning a rodent into a cartoon is just not appealing to me. Are there cartoons about gerbils and hamsters?? I know insects aren’t rodents, but are there shows featuring fun loving and cute roaches?? Antz the movie---didn’t see it. Bee Movie—Seinfeld was in it so suddenly being a bee was funny?

Reason 3: MICE ARE GROSS.
In college, it was completely acceptable to live in Section VIII housing, a.k.a. the Glenmont Development but lovingly referred to as G-Spot. G-Spot was composed of students from Towson University sharing 3 bedroom apartments turned into four by simply throwing up some drywall in the living room and putting a curtain up in the kitchen. Rent, at least for me each month, was about 156 bucks—not too shabby. The other residents of G-Spot were extended Indian families living throughout their apartments in sleeping bags. I swear. I am not making this up. You know the saying, you pay for what you get? Well, for each apartment, you got a mouse, if not mice. First, we heard scratching in the wall. Then one night, screaming erupted from the living room. No, it was not a hallucination or a flashback, it was a mouse. Fortunately for us, one of our roommates, Laura, was able to bring her cat, Lily, in to live with us. Lily was badass. No more “hallucinations” of Mickey or Minnie.
Well where the hell is Lily when you need her? This week, summer school had to temporarily relocate to a neighboring high school. We had to schlep over supplies and snacks and set up shop in the faculty room. The room had round and rectangular tables, a sink, refrigerator, bathrooms and computers---basically all we really need for a short stay away from home base. For those of you who have always wanted to know what the innards of a faculty room look like, wonder no more. They generally have tables, chairs, a fridge, possibly a copy machine, phones from the 1980s that have sticky keys and smell like bad breath, crumbs on the table, a water fountain, soda machine and old flyers. Generally, faculty rooms are not very clean. When 75-100 people share a space, there tends to be a mess. For example, the microwaves look like someone exploded Mt. Vesuvius inside. There is old toast stuck in the toaster and spilled gook and an overall coating of grossness inside the refrigerator. There are often mysterious smells that you notice when you walk in from the hallway, yet get used to the longer you spend in there. On Tuesday, someone noticed mouse poop around the toaster oven in the faculty room. GROSS. Guess we are not making toast…. I didn’t think it could get any grosser until yesterday. Mickey or Minnie or both or an entire family nibbled their way into the boxes of animal crackers, graham crackers and pretzels we had for the kids’ snacks. They clearly had a party; there was shit everywhere. One of the mice seemed to be literate, as he or she left their calling card on a students’ reading folder. I dry heaved twice yesterday once today. I felt violated. I felt like I was being watched. I just know that somewhere in that room, little beady eyes were pinned on us, willing us to leave behind a morsel or two for later and possibly hoping we would leave behind a bottle of Pepto.
If Walt Disney really was cryogenically frozen and is thawed out in my lifetime, I really hope I have the opportunity to chat over a cup of coffee (even if it has to be in Disneyworld or Disneyland) and ask him why he chose to make rodents that hide in walls, eat your food and crap all over the place symbols of joy and fun for children and adults alike. So now, my fervent hatred of Disney characters has been renewed one thousand fold and it looks like Uncle Joey will be sharing a popcorn with his new niece.
**Please note: I will certainly embrace Emily’s love of Disney characters if it manifests. I will bring her to movies. I will bring her to Disney. I am capable of putting my feelings aside for the love of my daughter. HOWEVER, I will NOT wear a shirt with Minnie on it.

ONLY ME: A Short Tale of a Typical Happening on a Typical Day of My Life

My Blackberry was freezing and I kept hitting the mute button. Being the technical non-savant, the only way I could fix these issues was by taking the battery out of my phone. Annoying. I found that I had a free hour Monday afternoon when I arrived at my tutoring job to discover that the boy I tutor was unable to share a fascinating hour with me reviewing long division and order of operations. His loss; we were going to have a fun filled afternoon of working on a New York state math assessment from 2010. So, instead of making money, I spent it. I picked up a birthday present for my friend Lynda and then meandered into the Verizon store next door. I wanted to double check that I was eligible for an early upgrade. Sure enough, I was. I wanted to keep it simple. No iPhone for this girl. I went with the latest Blackberry despite the rumor that a touch berry might be out soon. I just mastered the QUERTY keyboard so I found no reason to wait for the next big thing. While waiting for my info to transfer from the frozen BB to the new one, I made small talk with the man helping me. He commented that we were the same age. He asked if I had kids. Yes, a 4 month old. I asked him if he had kids while staring at the unbelievable amount of chest hair exploding from his short sleeved collar shirt. I wondered if he was hot wearing a sweater and all in 90 degree weather. Yes, he too had kids, a 5 and 7 year old.

Crickets, crickets.
Me feigning interest in a History Channel show about fishing boats.
Me listening to a high school boy try to understand that the iPhone plan was more expensive the flip phone plan he currently had.

"I have noticed that people around here wait a while to have children. You are 35. Your baby is 4 months old. You are okay to start trying for another one again."

Yes---he said that.

"I am still working on losing the baby weight from my daughter."

"Why lose the weight now when you will just gain it back? Have another baby soon and then you can be done."

Yes--he said that.

"Where are you from", I asked, trying to change the subject from my reproductive activities to something more neutral.

"India."

Crickets, crickets.

At last, my phone is uploaded. He then shows me that my pictures are all intact. Of course the one that comes up is of a colleague of mine, Joe, shirtless at the beach. The picture was taken at a volleyball game and sent to me in an effort to end the debate over whether or not Joe shaved or had a sweater. Apparently he is back to shaving.

My caring salesperson then shows me that my calendar is also still intact. Of course the appointment he pulls up says: "GYNO: IUD CHECK".

Uncomfortable laughing. Crickets, crickets.

Why I am Not Housewife Material

If you follow me on Facebook, you are well aware of my committed relationship with reality television, primary shows airing on Bravo. I will say that I have been unfulfilled by Miami Social, Millionaire Decorator, and NYC Prep. However, my biggest disappointment was a tie between the Real Housewives of D.C. and the Real Housewives of Miami. Despite this, my DVRing has been faithful because when it comes to accidents, I too engage in a little rubber necking.

Over the years, my co-workers and I have tossed around the idea of how our workplace would make for great reality programming, but working in a school would mean major red tape that would just be too sticky to cut through. FYI—we would not have the cameras following students, just our own interpersonal relationships and issues. Clearly, our self esteem might be a little too good considering we believe we are that interesting. But since that is just a pipedream, I have spent a little free time between scrubbing the 85 parts that make up a Dr. Brown’s bottle and changing the kitty litter to determine why I could never be a Real Housewife of anything on Bravo.

Reason #1: I LOVE makeup. I have invested in professional grade brushes and watch how to videos on YouTube. My friends and I discuss the latest products at length and are having a makeup party in August. But, you will catch me with zero makeup at the gym, lounging on my couch, and at the gas station. I noticed this past Sunday that I did not even brush what had previously been my slicked back hair into what I call my “Summer Bun” (thick curly hair pulled back in a perma bun due to extreme heat and humidity causing a Jew fro of epic proportions; possibly requiring its own seat on an airplane). When I caught sight of my pube -like frizz in my rearview mirror, I realized I had officially embraced motherhood at the most unglamorous level.

The real housewives are RARELY caught on camera without makeup and if they aren’t wearing any, they are about to get it applied by a make-up artist. Due to financial hardship, Theresa Guidice has unfortunately had to apply her own this season, but I must say, she has definitely been watching the YouTube instructional videos too! Speaking of exceptions, Alex McCord neglected to brush her hair the entire first season of the RHONY, but now her hair looks amazing! I guess she figured out that hair and makeup are essential to the role she has been cast in. I just do not understand how these women have the time to get that made up. I am sure they are instructed to have the hair and makeup done up, but seriously?? Who has the time? I race out of my house every morning with some level of wet hair and the occasional lack of mascara. Clearly, I don’t qualify.

Reason #2: I LOVE jewelry. My preferences are diamonds and costume jewelry. I have tons of bangles, rings, and necklaces, but I NEED more!!! Have you noticed that the Real Housewives are dripping in diamonds or wearing gigantic earrings or necklaces? I am surprised that the Countess and Lisa Vanderpump don’t have hunchbacks due to the excessive weight pulling down on their necks. To me, it is a miracle that Kyle Richards hasn’t had to have earlobe transplants because the posts of her enormous earring have sliced her pierced skin in half. After a half hour of wearing a neckpiece the size of armor and earrings big enough to be used as winter coat hooks, I am done. Not to mention the fact that I can count the number of diamond based jewelry I own on one hand. I am just not rich enough (that is another reason but no one wants to hear someone bitch about financial woes during a major financial crisis).

Reason #3: I am too fat to be a housewife. I just had a baby. At some point, this statement will lose its credibility, like when Emily turns 10. But, these women who have young children barely work and therefore have the time and money to work out nonstop. Some of the women have admitted to having eating disorders at some point or another ( Gretchen Rossi, Alexis Bellino). This poses a problem for me, as I like food too much to stop eating it and hate throwing up too much to binge and purge. I cannot afford a personal chef and without the release of Sonja Morgan’s toaster oven book, I am not adept enough to cook healthfully in the toaster oven.

Reason # 4: I do not have a book deal or a published book. If I did have a book, it would not be a cook book, rather, a list of numbers to call for take-out or a list of foods that can be boiled in water and called a meal. Maybe somebody will stumble across my blog and deem it good enough to compile into a book, but for now, this is as good as it will get.

Reason # 5: I’m really real. These lips---mine. These boobs—mine. My spare tire (I just had a baby)—mine. I have had no plastic surgery or Botox—yet. I am not against it at all. I plan on having a tummy tuck within the next five years and by then I hope it can be done via laser. The closest thing I have ever had to plastic surgery was my contemplation of removing what I thought was a skin tag. Miraculously, the tag disappeared as my pregnancy progressed and I was psyched. Anything hanging off of skin is gross. However, I will still look myself. Did anyone catch the old pics of Marysol’s mother, Elsa?? Dear God!!

Reason # 6: I work. FULL TIME. As much as Jill Zarin and Ramona claim to work, they are often lunching. The only woman who I truly believe works full time is Vicki G. from the O.C. However, once she finds herself in a relationship that finds her love tank full, it will be interesting to see how many hours she puts in at the office. I realize that the editing team shows you what they want you to see, so I suppose if I was in a reality show based out of my workplace, they would probably show me sitting at lunch, in room 230 for my morning “view” session, or in the hallway talking. If smoking wasn’t so passé and illegal to do indoors, you would definitely see me cranking butts in the faculty room. Nonetheless, These women do more shopping and “eating” at restaurants than I could possibly do.

Reason # 7: I don’t have a full time nanny or a team of nannies. I have a very helpful family who accommodate my spin schedule and assist me at the beach. During the work day, my babysitter is very flexible. Josh and I make sure we each cover each other on the weekends so that he can golf and I can mani/pedi. But I certainly do not have the luxury of a full staff, nanny included. Plenty of my friends have live in help; we did growing up when my mom returned to work. But these situations are not quite as glamorous as what is portrayed on television. My friends are all capable of handling their children ALONE in public and can function doing mundane tasks like laundry and food shopping. That is not to say that if we could afford a live in nanny and had the room to do so, I wouldn’t consider it. But she would have to also cook and clean. I might as well make the most of the situation.

Reason # 8: I speak proper English. This is mostly directed at the RHONJ. The most recent offender, Melissa Gorga. She can afford Louis Vuitton but calls it Louis BATON. She spends 50 g’s on a party for Jesus’ birthday, and has the guests place their presents in the liBERRY. She is not worthy. Danielle Staub constantly used the singular woman to refer to a group of women, plural. There is more to report on, but the more I think about it, the dumber I get.

And there you have it folks. I am a whole other breed of housewife. I will keep watching the ladies of such and such a city and sort of hope Andy Cohen will put together a Real cast from Pierre, North Dakota. I mean, how much do we really know about that state, let alone Pierre?

Find a Penny??? Where???

A penny saved is a penny earned. –Ben Franklin

How many of you pick up pennies? I do. And don’t start thinking it is because of the stereotype that Jews have earned. If I see a penny heads up, I grab it. I like to think it is a penny from heaven; a little note from my Nana to remind me that she is watching over me. I don’t believe in the saying that if I find a penny, I should pick it up so that all day long I will have good luck, BUT for the benefit of those who do believe that, I will flip a penny over if it is tail side up. I suppose my superstition about not picking up a penny unless it is heads up makes someone else’s day.
Yet, I feel that there are less and less pennies in circulation. I don’t know this to be a fact, as I have yet to contact the U.S. Mint. But, more and more, I am finding that if I am at a store and my transaction adds up to, let’s say, $21.99 and I hand over $22.00, all that I am handed back is a receipt. Has the penny lost its’ value? Listen, I can live without the penny, but I will say that there is joy in giving exact change. So many times the change section of my wallet is loaded down with pennies, so when the opportunity arises, I will count out up to ten or so cents in pennies. When I owe 21 cents, I like being able to round out my change situation with that cent. Sometimes, I grab or give a penny to the little trays labeled with “Give a penny, take a penny” by a cash register. They do come in handy after all. Yet, how can I keep doing this if I am not getting my change back?
As annoying as I am sure it is for storekeepers to count, isn’t there some charm and sweetness to when a child has saved up all of their hard earned change to buy something they have had their eye on, even if it is 50 bucks worth of pennies? How can I teach my daughter to save her pennies for a rainy day if she can’t collect them? With all of the gypping I get during my errand and shopping runs, I can’t even give her my change! As it stands now, we have a loose change jar at home. Do I prefer quarters to pennies? Of course! But those pennies do add up as many of us could probably attest to after a visit to the Penny Arcade. The point is, money is money. A penny saved is a penny earned. When clerks and cashiers deny us that one cent, they are denying us the opportunity to save, or in the very least to teach our children the value of saving. So, be bold, not embarrassed, to ask for the change, even if it is just a copper disk. It is yours. You worked hard for it and during a time of major economic downturn, we should value hard work and savings. You never know when it will be a rainy day.

Things that Currently and/or Continue to Annoy Me

1. Bad Breath. If you are trying to figure out why friends and colleagues inch further and further away from you during conversations or simply small talk, take note of the red flag.
2. Bike riders who just ride without heeding the rules of the road.
3. Long Beach motorcycle cops who ride as though they are emulating an episode of Chips. Like bike riders, heed the rules of the road. Be role models. You are not above the law.
4. Leg Sweat. This is new for me. Not only am I dripping sweat from the usual places (forehead, neck, back), now my legs sweat too. This brings me to…
5. Hormones. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.
6. Uncorrected lisps. REALLY??? How could someone have let that get past 4 years of age??
7. Politics that encroach upon social situations. Let’s focus on the fact that education system is going down the toilet, people are out of jobs, other nations hate us….blah blah blah.
8. Extended waiting periods at a doctor’s office. Last week Em had an appointment. We waited an hour. She is an infant. She dropped a deuce of epic proportions and I had to change her in the stroller. Then, she missed her feeding. How do you do that to a baby and tell the mother they are understaffed? One more chance Pediatric Healthcare of L.I….one more chance!
9. Stickers on cars. Not bumper stickers---stickers. Get your kids a sticker book.
10. People who touch a baby’s hands. Baby hands are so precious and cute. Everyone loves to feel like the baby is “holding” their hand. That grip…it’s a reflex. Babies put their hands in their mouths. I don’t know where your hands have been so keep them to yourself.
11. A baby is not a football. Let him/her be.
12. An oldie but goodie---at some point, your wedding pic as your profile pic gets old—in my opinion, it has an expiration date of a year and can make an appearance on your anniversary. I get it---you think you looked amazing that day, and you probably did. But enough is a enough.
13. The commercial for yellow, fungally screwed up toenails complete with animated eyes on the toe. GROSS.
14. The commercial for trans-vaginal mesh. REALLY????? I love topics revolving around body parts, bodily functions, etc….but this is really going too far.
15. Late night infomercial about the life changing effects of Viagra. Go to a support group, call a help line, or have a night out with the guys.
16. People who just cross the street despite oncoming traffic. Today I was driving down Park Ave. in the Rock in my mother’s Corolla. Mom—your breaks work!!! How do I know? Two idiots carrying their yoga mats to Bikram were so psyched to get their Zen on, they basically walked in front of your car. That mysterious smell in your car…a little poop might have come out. When I screamed at them through the closed window “Are you effing kidding me???” they both held up their hands in apology. Thanks for the heart attack jackholes!
17. Another oldie but goodie: Shape-Ups. Despite Joe Namath’s plug, the majority of people I see in these shoes are still big. They might have great calves, but they are not a replacement for exercise, nor are they shoes to work out in. I hate them and am still angry at myself for nearly purchasing Fit Flops. I figured they would compliment my exercise routine.
18. The Mob Wives. They are such trash. What annoys me even more is my faithful viewership.
19. Celebrity themed shows such as Celeb Rehab. Amy Fisher---celeb because she tried to kill Mary-Jo. Michael Lohan-daughter is Lindsay. Steve Adler—more famous for being on Celeb Rehab at this point.
20. Dramatic Facebook status posts that generate the following comments: “Are you okay?” “What’s wrong?”
Examples of such posts: “I am so upset.”
“It happened again.” “This was the worst day of my life.”

If any of these items apply to you or someone you know, get over it. I can deal with the fact that I might be annoying too.