Why I am Not Housewife Material

If you follow me on Facebook, you are well aware of my committed relationship with reality television, primary shows airing on Bravo. I will say that I have been unfulfilled by Miami Social, Millionaire Decorator, and NYC Prep. However, my biggest disappointment was a tie between the Real Housewives of D.C. and the Real Housewives of Miami. Despite this, my DVRing has been faithful because when it comes to accidents, I too engage in a little rubber necking.

Over the years, my co-workers and I have tossed around the idea of how our workplace would make for great reality programming, but working in a school would mean major red tape that would just be too sticky to cut through. FYI—we would not have the cameras following students, just our own interpersonal relationships and issues. Clearly, our self esteem might be a little too good considering we believe we are that interesting. But since that is just a pipedream, I have spent a little free time between scrubbing the 85 parts that make up a Dr. Brown’s bottle and changing the kitty litter to determine why I could never be a Real Housewife of anything on Bravo.

Reason #1: I LOVE makeup. I have invested in professional grade brushes and watch how to videos on YouTube. My friends and I discuss the latest products at length and are having a makeup party in August. But, you will catch me with zero makeup at the gym, lounging on my couch, and at the gas station. I noticed this past Sunday that I did not even brush what had previously been my slicked back hair into what I call my “Summer Bun” (thick curly hair pulled back in a perma bun due to extreme heat and humidity causing a Jew fro of epic proportions; possibly requiring its own seat on an airplane). When I caught sight of my pube -like frizz in my rearview mirror, I realized I had officially embraced motherhood at the most unglamorous level.

The real housewives are RARELY caught on camera without makeup and if they aren’t wearing any, they are about to get it applied by a make-up artist. Due to financial hardship, Theresa Guidice has unfortunately had to apply her own this season, but I must say, she has definitely been watching the YouTube instructional videos too! Speaking of exceptions, Alex McCord neglected to brush her hair the entire first season of the RHONY, but now her hair looks amazing! I guess she figured out that hair and makeup are essential to the role she has been cast in. I just do not understand how these women have the time to get that made up. I am sure they are instructed to have the hair and makeup done up, but seriously?? Who has the time? I race out of my house every morning with some level of wet hair and the occasional lack of mascara. Clearly, I don’t qualify.

Reason #2: I LOVE jewelry. My preferences are diamonds and costume jewelry. I have tons of bangles, rings, and necklaces, but I NEED more!!! Have you noticed that the Real Housewives are dripping in diamonds or wearing gigantic earrings or necklaces? I am surprised that the Countess and Lisa Vanderpump don’t have hunchbacks due to the excessive weight pulling down on their necks. To me, it is a miracle that Kyle Richards hasn’t had to have earlobe transplants because the posts of her enormous earring have sliced her pierced skin in half. After a half hour of wearing a neckpiece the size of armor and earrings big enough to be used as winter coat hooks, I am done. Not to mention the fact that I can count the number of diamond based jewelry I own on one hand. I am just not rich enough (that is another reason but no one wants to hear someone bitch about financial woes during a major financial crisis).

Reason #3: I am too fat to be a housewife. I just had a baby. At some point, this statement will lose its credibility, like when Emily turns 10. But, these women who have young children barely work and therefore have the time and money to work out nonstop. Some of the women have admitted to having eating disorders at some point or another ( Gretchen Rossi, Alexis Bellino). This poses a problem for me, as I like food too much to stop eating it and hate throwing up too much to binge and purge. I cannot afford a personal chef and without the release of Sonja Morgan’s toaster oven book, I am not adept enough to cook healthfully in the toaster oven.

Reason # 4: I do not have a book deal or a published book. If I did have a book, it would not be a cook book, rather, a list of numbers to call for take-out or a list of foods that can be boiled in water and called a meal. Maybe somebody will stumble across my blog and deem it good enough to compile into a book, but for now, this is as good as it will get.

Reason # 5: I’m really real. These lips---mine. These boobs—mine. My spare tire (I just had a baby)—mine. I have had no plastic surgery or Botox—yet. I am not against it at all. I plan on having a tummy tuck within the next five years and by then I hope it can be done via laser. The closest thing I have ever had to plastic surgery was my contemplation of removing what I thought was a skin tag. Miraculously, the tag disappeared as my pregnancy progressed and I was psyched. Anything hanging off of skin is gross. However, I will still look myself. Did anyone catch the old pics of Marysol’s mother, Elsa?? Dear God!!

Reason # 6: I work. FULL TIME. As much as Jill Zarin and Ramona claim to work, they are often lunching. The only woman who I truly believe works full time is Vicki G. from the O.C. However, once she finds herself in a relationship that finds her love tank full, it will be interesting to see how many hours she puts in at the office. I realize that the editing team shows you what they want you to see, so I suppose if I was in a reality show based out of my workplace, they would probably show me sitting at lunch, in room 230 for my morning “view” session, or in the hallway talking. If smoking wasn’t so passé and illegal to do indoors, you would definitely see me cranking butts in the faculty room. Nonetheless, These women do more shopping and “eating” at restaurants than I could possibly do.

Reason # 7: I don’t have a full time nanny or a team of nannies. I have a very helpful family who accommodate my spin schedule and assist me at the beach. During the work day, my babysitter is very flexible. Josh and I make sure we each cover each other on the weekends so that he can golf and I can mani/pedi. But I certainly do not have the luxury of a full staff, nanny included. Plenty of my friends have live in help; we did growing up when my mom returned to work. But these situations are not quite as glamorous as what is portrayed on television. My friends are all capable of handling their children ALONE in public and can function doing mundane tasks like laundry and food shopping. That is not to say that if we could afford a live in nanny and had the room to do so, I wouldn’t consider it. But she would have to also cook and clean. I might as well make the most of the situation.

Reason # 8: I speak proper English. This is mostly directed at the RHONJ. The most recent offender, Melissa Gorga. She can afford Louis Vuitton but calls it Louis BATON. She spends 50 g’s on a party for Jesus’ birthday, and has the guests place their presents in the liBERRY. She is not worthy. Danielle Staub constantly used the singular woman to refer to a group of women, plural. There is more to report on, but the more I think about it, the dumber I get.

And there you have it folks. I am a whole other breed of housewife. I will keep watching the ladies of such and such a city and sort of hope Andy Cohen will put together a Real cast from Pierre, North Dakota. I mean, how much do we really know about that state, let alone Pierre?