SERIOUSLY? Am I even a real blogger?

Well, I have two followers (who I know) and I have not been on here in days? Does that make me a poser? A blogger wanna be? Blogging is a full time job!!!

THINGS THAT SERIOUSLY MAKE ME WONDER

1. mullets in 2009
2. leggings (are they acceptable attire for work as primary pants?)
3. chipped toenail polish
4. hairy moles on the face (pluck it or let me do it for you)
5. parents that don't take their acne ridden teens to the dermo
6. keeping a crappy pitcher in the game for one inning too many
7. body odor--how come only I have the cajones to point it out?
8. people who make up answers
9. people who don't admit mistakes have been made
10. what my neighbors are cooking for dinner

Pancreatic Cancer, ANY Cancer, SERIOUSLY Sucks

RIP, Patrick Swayze. I had the time of my live watching Dirty Dancing over and over again, memorizing the lines and the dance moves. I loved gawking at you on the poster hanging on my bedroom wall, even though you were old enough to be my father (if you were a teenage dad). You fought the valiant fight.

Two years ago one of my doctors suddenly died. Within 6 months of the same diagnosis as Swayze, he was just dead. Without saying what kind of doctor he was, let's just say we knew him for 28 years...he delivered my sister. He was kind and soft spoken and we "bonded" over my divorce and his daughter's divorce which took place at the same time.

The point is that it just sucks.

Needless to say, I will be wearing a t-shirt tomorrow with Swazye on the front and the quote "Ga-Gong...It's a heartbeat" on the front. Long story, but it was part of a fundraiser.

A SERIOUSLY WORTHWHILE CAUSE

http://www.bestfriends.org/

Dylan and I are thinking about going here for a vacation. We would have to fly in to Vegas and drive four hours to Utah, but I think it would be awesome. The plan is to stay near the site, go for a tour and spend some time volunteering with the animals. We also plan to NOT bring any animals home, but there are no guarantees. If you are looking for a tax write-off that will truly make a difference, check this site out. There is also a t.v. show called DOGTOWN on NAT GEO, which features the Michael Vick dogs saved and rehabilitated. Truly an amazing story.

SERIOUSLY? DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE WHAT I SEE?

1. This man caught a fish last week at the beach. It was a keeper. After the crowd peeping his catch dissipates, the guy tries to put it in a plastic bag, the kind you get at the grocery store. The fish however, is not having it. If I was the fish I would have been thinking; "Great, a fine mess I have gotten myself into. I knew that piece of chum that I sunk my teeth into was too good to be true." If I was that fish my thoughts would have been interrupted by my head getting slammed into a rock along the jetty.

So, I see the guy slam the fish's head into a jetty. I am a realist. I am aware that the process of getting my meal to my plate is not necessarily one that lacks a violent or unpleasant ending for the animal I am consuming, but seriously? Did I need to bear witness to that? That moment made me want to scream out "MURDERER!!!", but in the voice of a student I had. (This girl has a major speech impediment where her 'r' sounds like a 'w'. She is mega into the environment and animal rights which is completely respectable. This girl is not the coolest chick in the coop and has been taunted for years. When another girl gut up into the animal rights activist/speech imped. girl's face with the threat of stepping on a spider, all hell broke loose. The spider was killed and the girl who did it was met with a fist to the face and the sound of "MUWWWDEWWWWEWWWWW (murderer) ringing in her ears).

So the fisherman ("the guy" or "murderer", now satisfied that the fish is no longer moving, puts the fish in the plastic grocery bag. Then, he puts it in a duffel bag. I could not have been the only one to see this!!!

2.VOMIT

I also see people vomiting. I don't get it. I am like the visual vomit magnet. For example, I am on a train and as we are pulling out of the station, I see a girl hurl along the tracks. This of course makes me want to hurl. Later that same day, I see a woman holding her daughter in her lap on the sidewalk outside my building as she vomited up what looked like 3 days worth of food. Another night, I glance out the window of a car and see a guy projectile into a crowded city street. Later that night, I projectiled in a parking lot. A few months ago, my nieces slept over. Early in the morning/middle of the night, I am awoken to the sound of what i have coined as "the barf burp"...you know what I'm talking about....and a nasty ass sour aroma rapidly sprints up through my nostrils. Yes, she did it!! Puked on the floor and wall of my bedroom. Thank god she missed the bed....Well, that same morning, I walk out of my building and what am I stopped short by? A freaking pile of puke....You know how there is that rule where things are supposed to happen in 3's? Well, for me, puke happens in 2's.

3. FEET...Feet also fall into the category of things I hate as well as does anyone else see what I see. I discovered that a woman in my building has webbed toes, but of course, no one was around to share in this discovery. I noticed yesterday that someone I am associated with has an "index toe" that is not only longer than the others, but hangs over the front of their shoe...

4. The man who walks the beach with not just a fanny pack, but a speedo

5. The man on the beach who wears FIT FLOPS, which are women's shoes (but his calves do look great)

6. Do you see the cloud of smoke coming out from 16P's door (not the real apt. # but I must protect my peeps)? This dude asked me if I ever smell weed. Yes, I do and I see it and that must have been some good crap you just got in. I also see randoms going to your door day in and day out and when your kid comes to visit you, you spend an awful lot of time on your balcony with a "cigarette".

7. The kid playing pocket pool during class.

8. One boy giving the "B.J" signal to another boy across the room. And they saw me see them...and it was embarassing for all of us...And I hope they had no idea what they were doing.

9.

If I gave you $1000, what would you do with it?

Some answers I heard today:

1. buy snacks
2. give it to my grandparents
3. buy things
4. go on a trip around the world and then to russia

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH IT?

BEACH ETIQUETTE 101

I consider myself to be a professional beach-goer. Growing up on the South Shore of Long Island, the sound of the waves crashing on the ocean is as familiar as the laugh of your best friend. It's just in your blood. When I was little, my parents had a cabana in a popular Atlantic Beach club. I loved it. For people who don't know what a cabana is, picture a stable, but with a mini-fridge, shelves, cabinets, changing rooms, sometimes a bathroom and maybe even a t.v. It was like a summer house for those of us who didn't have an actual summer house. Eventually my parents gave up the cabana, but every summer I would still manage to frolic at the beach. Things became complicated when my friends and I wanted to go the beach but our parents were at work. This began around 8th grade and continued until we finally got our licenses. So, we learned how to take the bus to Long Beach. This was no easy task, considering 9 times out of 10 we missed the connecting bus that would take us down to Malibu Beach near Point Lookout. So we would wait....and wait. Since getting to the beach was such an ordeal, we would stay for 8 to 10 hours at a time. I kid you not. I think once our parents realized we were safe and capable of managing public transport on our own, they figured out ways to avoid making the 20 minute drive to get us. They loved us, but they had other things to do. Keep in mind, this was pre-cell phones. We had quarters for pay phones. (FYI Lainey's mom was a teacher, so she would chauffeur us around whenever she could. She deserves props. They also had a cabana, as did Molly, which was awesome because you could sleep in it. Another friend of ours allegedly had a cabana since the beginning of time, which we only now, in our 30's, use).

The point is, I know how to do the beach thing. Others unfortunately do not. Let me give you an example, which is one of my biggest pet peeves. Placement. There is no need to sit on top of another person at the beach, unless it is 200 degrees and a mass exodus has taken place to the ocean. This woman named Debbie (I have been going to the same beach for 8 years...I know names, faces, and life stories from snippets of convo) hates when people cramp her space. She gets up and pulls her big-ass chair across the sand all the while making a stink. (SIDE NOTE: Debbie has worn the same bathing suit for 8 years...every day. It is black with a sheer panel in the middle. She is also single, never married, no kids and has one bad date after the next. It is not my business (she is a loud talker as well, which is how I know this), but I kind of want to tell her that her mullet could be the reason why she has yet to meet the man of her dreams. ) Anyway, so the other day, I wake up from a nap (my mouth was definitely hanging wide open), and the landscape of my surroundings had changed. More people began arriving at the beach, however, only one person was on top of me.....YUP! You guessed it, mullet, i only own 1 bathing suit and am hopelessly single Debbie. This chick was fully violating her own rule!!!! I had 2 options: stay or do my best imitation of her and traipse my ass across the sand, huffing and puffing about peeps who sit too close to others on the beach. Instead, I stayed. I am so mature.

So, as the official beach season of the 2009 comes to a close, remember, don't sit on top of others. You can always differentiate the professionals from the novices while basking in the sun and breathing in that sea air.

NO REST FOR THE WEARY

SERIOUSLY? I was tired. A long day at the beach does that to you. Work doesn't even start tomorrow, yet I think I slept for 5 minutes. Or at least if felt that way. So, despite the fact that I was planning on waking up early to hit the gym and run to the supermarket, I was up well before the alarm clock and that really annoys me. I put both cats in the bathroom last night, the only other room with a door in my apartment. Sheba managed to toilet paper the bathroom with whatever was left on the roll. That was fun to clean up. Then, I am greeted by some odd items left on the counter by 'Dylan' (my husband loves Bob Dylan, so that is the fake name he chose). A can of Pledge (he does not dust wood---haha that sounded funny), chicken burgers from Trader Joes, chocolate chips and a cell phone charger. What the hell happened in here last night after I went to "sleep"?

CONTINUOUS FEATURES

So, I LOVE making lists. I would make a list for every single, solitary move I make for each day if I could. In case you have thought to yourself "Hmm...this girl sounds like she has OCD. Maybe I should write a letter to A&E's show Obsessed, I myself have wondered this too and have inquired with various mental health professionals and behaviorists. I am not OCD, but I like order and the intrinsic feeling of accomplish my goals, whether they are cleaning the toilet to earning another degree.

This brings me to my CONTINUOUS FEATURES. I am going to have posts that I will add to on a regular basis. The regular basis will basically be how often I get on here, so if you like order and predictability like I do, please do not put pressure on me to deliver daily. Work starts Tuesday so we will see what happens. My CONTINUOUS FEATURES will include things in list format like: THINGS THAT I THINK ARE COOL TO DO BUT DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO ACTUALLY DO, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES WHAT IS GOING ON?, SHOWS I AM CURRENTLY WATCHING , STUPID THINGS THAT HAPPEN AT WORK & THINGS THAT KEEP ME UP AT NIGHT. If you have any suggestions, feel free to comment. Oh--notice I spell checked!!!

SPELLING

I REALLY hate when I make spelling errors and I just noticed that I did not use spell check for blog numero uno. Instead of 'name' I wrote 'nae'. It should be clear to the reader that that is what I meant to write, but it is annoying me. I am NOT going to go back and edit because I need to learn to live with some of the minutia that eats away at me. Good thing this was not a writing test. I am a special ed. teacher and the impact that has had on me, while 99% positive, has yielded to a terrible side effect, I suppose. As a result of reading poorly spelled essays, etc., I have gone from being what I would have considered to be an above average to superior speller ( i was in the spelling bee in 4th grade but got out on the word 'denim'. The nurse, wearing the hat of spelling bee administrator, pronounced it as 'denOM', hence, that is how I spelled it. Now, close your eyes, visualize a chubby 11 year old with a thick ponytail, hear the firm directive of "OUT!", and hear the scraping of the chair legs against the glossy stage floor. Do you feel my humiliation?) to constant second guessing myself. However, I can interpret many types of spelling now. I would actually consider that a talent and if I was participating in the Miss (Mrs.?) America Pageant, I would share that as my talent. In any case, point is, I left out a letter in the word 'name' and I will be more vigilant in later postings!

WHY AM I DOING THIS?

So, the past few weeks have just been one bizarro run in after another with various players from former life. In an email I sent to my "Just the Ten of Us" crew (more on them later), "MOLLY" (I have changed her nae to protect her privacy), suggested that I create a blog. Why? Apparently my written delivery is funny!

I used to love writing back in the day, and I suppose I was good at it. I just don't have the level of interest in it that I used to. I mean, I don't even journal, however, my 5th grade diary is still in circulation and my sister enjoys taking it out during family events and reading the excerpt from when E.S. broke up with me. For the record, his reasoning was that I was fat. Pretty superficial if you ask me, considering he is not someone you will be seeing anytime soon on a giant billboard in Times Square, but I digress. Wait, one more thing. During the break up phone call, he cried. Anyway, so a few years back I got divorced and the multitude of issues that a name change brought about inspired me to write a short article entitled "What's In a Name?" but I did nothing with that. I also was going to write a book inspired by my ex called He Examined My Underwear (because he did), but that also went nowhere fast. So, with the nudge of one of my oldest and dearest friends, I bring you "Seriously"....... While my life might not be the most interesting or newsworthy, I do often find myself in odd situations or in the very least commenting on what others want to say but look to me to say for them, thus making me appear to be mean and sarcastic. Really, I am just honest!