Food Fantasy Letdown

I have lunch envy. I literally stare at my coworker’s lunches like a dog waiting for its master to drop a scrap onto the floor. I am not proud of this, but I own it. Yesterday I had a salad with turkey and some oovo-balsamic dressing. It sucked. It sucked because my lunch mates were eating, in no particular order the following delicacies:

1. Taco chicken salad lettuce wrap, pickle, potato salad. 2. Egg white omelet with cheese, avocado, over a bed of home fries. 3. Roast beef sandwich with mayo. 4. Turkey and cheese Panini with a bag of fries, wasabi mayo dip on the side. 5. Left over Chinese food that included fried rice and some sort of amazing noodle concoction. Don’t these options make my health conscious salad sound like a bag of crap?? I sat at the table, feeling defeated, wishing I didn’t care about losing the last ten post pregnancy pounds hanging on for dear life. I sat at the table wishing that I could eat with abandon, not worrying which artery the fries’ byproducts would travel to and clog. I sat at the table wishing that if I ate any one of those items, I would not have to subsequently barf during my class because as soon as I eat anything off my beaten path, my body punishes me by making me sick. Trust me; I think the “sick” is worse when you’re upchucking into an industrial sized toilet in an unkempt work bathroom. My body is a creature of habit; it likes natural, healthy foods. Its owner THINKS it wants to shove greasy junk into it… Today I decided to enhance my salad with a buffalo chicken meatball add on. I had had one, just one, of these a few weeks before and thought it was one of the most delicious things that has ever met my lips. Picture a movie where there is a sick party going on amongst 16-18 year olds and the parents walk in the door. Needle scratches the record (clearly an 80’s movie in this “pictures it”); party over. That’s how I felt about the buffalo chicken meatball add on today. The fantasy is always better than the reality. At least with food.

365 Days

All I have running through my head right now are the lyrics to "Seasons of Love" from RENT. Except I have changed the lyrics. 365 Days and I don't know how many minutes I gave birth to a ba-aby boy He is so cute How did I live without him? How did I go through labor without any drugs? And so on.... This is what I do. I make up songs to already existing songs. I know you do it too. Today is my son's birthday. I cannot believe that yesterday he was an infant and today he is a toddler. The last year has literally flown by and I am one year closer to having to make a Bar Mitzvah. My days are filled with so few moments for me. I am knee deep in the trenches of motherhood, a full time job, while working a full time job and trying to figure out a side-gig to supplement the salary paying full time job. I relish being able to pee alone, with the door closed. I wish to make it to the gym or to just get through a 12 minute workout on YouTube with a minimum of 5 interruptions. I enjoy the car ride alone, right after I drop the kids off at daycare, where I don't have to speak or calm someone down. But I realize that if this year went by in light speed, in no time I will be alone, wondering where the hell my kids are why they won't speak to me. I will still probably enjoy peeing alone. This is a big year. I am barreling towards 40 but am still wondering how I am not 22 anymore. I am still accepting that there will not be any more children for me because we are blessed with two, wonderful and crazy kids, and why push our luck? Do I dare mention that our bank account can't be pushed either.... At this current juncture, on this current day, I am working on lyrics to my own song; my future. I worry constantly about what is and what will be, and remind myself to take deep breaths and just focus on what is here and now. At times I wish my cup was maybe 3/4 full, but have to remember that it is close enough; things will fall into place. Someone posted and I subsequently shared (hijacked) the post on Facebook entitled "20 Signs You’re Doing Better Than You Think You Are" from pulptastic.com. I read and was shocked that I am, in fact, doing amazing! This was just what I needed to get a good night sleep. Let’s be real, more like a solid three hour stretch without someone having a nightmare or needing one more hug. So I need to continue my breathing exercises and enjoy each day, or in the very least the smiles on my children's faces over the course of the next 365 days otherwise life will just pass me by. I am going to laugh at the discovery of three pricey lipsticks being totally smashed because my daughter decorated her face with makeup. I am going to laugh about my son throwing his socks across the car on the way to daycare and not worry about being judged that I am carrying him in barefoot and it is still only 40 degrees out. The clock is ticking on this next year so I might as well try to laugh it up.