I Know People Who...

1.About a week ago, a friend of mine gave birth to daughter number two in a car. It wasn’t a random car…it belongs to her in-laws car. Mother and baby were healthy, the father was traumatized and the car is now cleaned. The Burberry scarf that was used to wrap the bundle of joy has yet to be replaced. Hospital personnel were shocked, as this delivery literally right outside the doors of the ER was a first for most, possibly even a once in a lifetime. Talk about a Hollywood moment…and a fabulous story to tell this little girl. 2.A type A friend/colleague of mine has catalogued breast milk in a manner more organized than the Dewey Decimal System. After setting a specific goal, she (obviously it is a she) pumped until she was able to store bags of breast milk in the deep freezer. Each is organized by color and includes the date it was pumped and a “use by” date. I think she could create a pocket sized book called “Storing Breast Milk for Dummies.” 3.Have you ever felt like if you didn’t get to a toilet, any toilet, you might just poop in your pants? Well, sticking with the theme of writing books, this friend of mine could write a “Where to Poop in a Pinch” guide. This guide could direct you to a number of lavatories along the Atlantic Coast. Like Zagats, it would include a rating system. The symbol could be rolls of toilet paper. 5 rolls would be the equivalent of being able to eat off the toilet seat, while 0-1 roll would be equivalent to you not wanting the bottom of your shoes to touch the floor. 4. How many times do we allow people to come into our homes to do some sort of repair or maintenance work? How many times do we find our vibrators missing after a painter has completed painting the living room, home office and bedroom? Of all the things one would choose to steal, this one boggles my mind so much that I wonder if it was part of a dare. What does one do with a used sex toy??? Do you boil it first??? Is this painter a collector of sorts??? I imagine him standing in his painters pants, hands wrapped around this new “find”, looking at his corner curio cabinet. This cabinet would be filled with vibrators, framed butterflies and rare coins. "Hmmm, he wonders. Where shall I disply my newest treasure?" 5.After buying stamps at the corner store, my friend did not expect to have the letters she sent returned to her due to the use of counterfeit stamps. Included with the returned mail was a notice letting her know that her name was now on a federal watch-list of sorts. When returning to the corner store, she demanded her money back as well as a Vita-CoCo for her pain and suffereing. It was the least the corner store jerk could do for her. In case you are wondering, the identity of these people shall not be revealed. You know who you are!