If I had known this to be true, I would have definitely kicked butt on my SAT's despite the fact that I took them while on the latter end of the incubation period of chicken pox. I would tell parents on back to school night that masturbation is the hot, new study skill. I would probably even be able to be contracted as a consultant and travel from school to school peddling my wares, featured on FOX News....
WAIT!!! Let's back track a bit before I get so swept up in my new, fancy life style, posing as the Dr. Ruth of test prep. Middle schoolers are essentially screwed. Their bodies are completely unpredictable; hair is sprouting in places that were previously bald and their pits smell. Some have full moustaches and no access to wax...poor girls. It is crazy! Nowadays, the onset of puberty is even earlier for girls, so it is no wonder that boys tend to be so, shall we say, 'alert'. Some of my girls are rather open about their changing bodies. For example, one of my girls informed me today that she was in a terrible mood due to "the girl thing" and that it was best for me to know in case she went nuts. This spurred on a convo regarding mood swings and throwing things. My girls will also ask me if they can go change their pad...T. M. I!!! When I was in middle school, the topic of "Aunt Flo" was taboo. There was no discussion. No one could know. Mrs. Linkner, a phys ed teacher, once asked a gym filled with girls to raise their hand if they had their period. SERIOUSLY??????? It was bad enough that I was overweight with braces and bushy bangs (girls with thick, curly hair should NEVER have bangs, but the inception of the bangs is another story for another day). There was not a chance in hell that I was claiming my womanhood just because this chick asked. How dare she? This Q&A took place in 1987. Times have evidently changed since my girls are so open, but maybe they just feel comfortable with me. Maybe they are psyched that they can officially conceive; it's not like MTV's "16 and Pregnant" makes it look that difficult to juggle Friday night keggers and a 2 week old....I know some of you are thinking, "but she teaches special ed." True, but these girls are pretty savvy. Learning Disabilities are not cause for social suicide. I think these girls are just cool with who they are, but I digress.
Today I noticed one of my girls stroking her nether-region...over the pants of course. I have noticed this before and thought maybe she had a front wedgie or an itch. But, after what I witnessed on Tuesday, I think she is getting off, or at least comforting herself. Despite her disability, she does incredibly well in class and always participates. Concentration and focus are never an issue; I wonder if when hand is down there it improves. It certainly does not interfere!
Which brings me to my next tidbit. So, there we are, my crew and I, taking a quiz about Washington, Adams and Jefferson. Very stimulating stuff. As I am reading the questions aloud, I am circulating the room, walking up and down the rows. Do you hear the click-clack of my shoes? I am scanning the answer sheets as I walk and read and then, I see it: A VERY serious, rubber game level of the World Series serious, game of pocket pool. Hand in the pants. Up and down. Up and down. A fist pump, but in the pants, no fist being pumped. Yet, the boy is still filling in his answer sheet and is fully focused on his quiz. This all takes place within 3-5 seconds. So what did I do? I gently grabbed his arm, pulled it out from his pants, and rested his hand on his leg. I acted on impulse, yet we were both very cool about it. No eye contact, no discussion. Completely professional. Granted, this boy probably had a mega case of blue balls, but he got a 48 out of 50 on the quiz which for all intense purposes was an amazing grade. So I wonder. Do I pursue a doctorate with a dissertation that ponders the effect of masturbation in the classroom on overall achievement, or I do just let this be?
Bottom line, boys tend to be the ones more often than not caught with their hand in the cookie jar. They just haven't learned impulse control yet. Sweatpants definitely make it easier to access their junk, which is why parents should be informed at the first PTA meeting of middle school that sweats are a violation of the dress code for males. Can we laugh about this? Sure. Are all boys (and girls) getting it on with themselves in class? Definitely not, primarily because they know they just need to go with the flow for a bit and pray their teacher does not ask them to go to the board to solve an equation. But there are those who can't help themselves. There are even those who will ask to use the bathroom with a tent fully pitched. (Yes, this has happened and I have said no...impulse control).
Ahhhh.....middle school. For me, it was the worst of times, the hardest of times. Clearly the same for some of the kids I know today too!
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