"There is a Serious Need to Groom Feet Now for this Unpredictable Weather"

Yesterday was gorgeous! I loved not having to wear to a jacket and loved that due to my regularly scheduled bi-weekly pedicure appointments with Andy, I was able to slip my feet into flip flops without offending those around me. Now, I am a realist. I know that not everyone cares what other people's feet look like, but I do. I am a foot fanatic! This fanaticism is not to be confused with a foot fetish. I hate feet. I suppose I have a foot un-fetish. I need carry Xanax around with me in the summer just in case someone's nasty ass feet throw me into a panic attack. Just kidding about the Xanax. I mean, I need it for the summer, but I am not sure how Dr. Halper is going to respond to my reasoning when I request it.
If you are a Sex and the City fan, or just want to check up on my research skills, you might recall during season 2, episode 12, entitled "La Douleur Exquise!", Charolotte finds herself the recipient of a 100% discount from the salesman who loves fitting high end shoes on her feet. He shudders with delight as her foot fills the shoe. Well, I have the same reaction, only it is not delight, but repulsion, when my eyes lock with a dry-heeled, talon toed foot.

I have what look like Fred Flintstone feet, small and squarish. I do not claim to have pretty feet, but they are well groomed. You might look at my feet and want to vomit and that is okay. Here is a list of what makes me want to vomit.

*I hate when the index toe is longer than a person's toe.
*I really hate long toe nails that are kept long on purpose, such as a former student I once had.
* Let's talk about what I refer to as the "butter toe"....it is a rounded big toe, much like the shape of a butter knife.
*I hate the feet that belong to a certain woman who works in my school. I am not going into details, but her feet are just a small part of an entirely unpleasant "situation". The "situation" is exacerbated when said person wears a puple tent (dress) to work. Ugh..I just got a little sick.
*Hmm--oooh, the W.T. toes--white trash toes...chipped polish happily displayed. GROSS. A colleague had chipped her big toenail polish and was walking around with 9 painted toes, 1 not painted. I fully admitted to her that I was staring at her feet and that my insides were churning. I could not look away!!! So what did she do? When she went to get it fixed, she had my name written on it in a pretty caligraphy style print!
*Talon toes...UGGGGGGHHHHHH! What are you a freakin vulture?? A close friend of mine who will remain unnamed occasionally has a rapid, practically overnight growth of what we have named "Falon the Talon." This friend is a stickler for all forms of upkeep, so when Falon extends herself from the nail-bed, it is hilarious and picture worthy and most importantly, not permanent!!
*The big toe that hangs over the shoe...doesn't that get scraped a lot? I got Fred Flintstone feet, my sister got GIGANTIC big toes. Needless to say, they hang...

So as the days warm up and we are ready to shed our socks and shoes for less confining flip flops, I believe that it is only right, it is only considerate, to scrape off the dry skin, push back the cuticles and trim the talons. Here are some indicators if you are in need of these simple grooming tips:

1. Find a block of wood that is somewhat splintering. If your heels are actually sanding the wood down, you need to get your feet in some water and pumice away.

2. If your shoes are suddenly tight in the toe area, and the next half or full size up fits much better, it is probably because you need a trim.

3. If your shoes fit but you are able to widdle wood figurines with your toenails, take your ass to home depot and get some goggles and a saw to trim those bad boys.

4. If your spouse, bedmate, whoever, is waking up with unexplained cuts along their legs, you know what to do!

5. If your toes are covered with skin, push back the cuticle.

**6. This specifically applies to those of you have lost a toenail due to a bad stub or from excessive running: PAINT THE SKIN!! A friend of mine does this too and she knows that I stare at her feet to try to figure out which toe is nail-less.

*7. Ladies---curlies sprouting from your big toe--not a good look. Shave it, please.

This is my issue, not yours. But just know, I will check your feet out when I see you. It is a compulsion. Josh and I fight all the time about how if he really loved me, he would get a pedi, but he still has not gone. I am not sure if this is grounds for divorce, but he is nary without socks on!! As the weather warms up, just know, there are others like me around, many of which are my friends, and be assured, that if we see you and your feet are NASTY, we will talk about you.

FYI: I found a picture that is DISGUSTING, but I have left it up to you to decide if you want to go there.
http://hardybreed.com/training-logs/jasons-training-log/podiatry-appointment/