Seriously, AC

So, I have been mega busy. Not a very good excuse for the lack of writing, but if it is any consolation, I am constantly observing and noting good topics to blog about. “Seriously” is always in my heart. I really need some time to play around on here and spruce of the page. You know, make it more personal. But since that is not going to happen for a bit, let me update you on my wild weekend in Atlantic City. For the sake of keeping things fluid, I am going to just number my topics; too many disconnected incidents occurred and will probably not be as funny to those of you who were not there.
What: Kim Grossman’s Bachelorette Party
Where: Water Club/Borgata in Atlantic City
Who: MAMS RAMS and Kim’s other friends, cousin, sister in law
1. The car ride. Lisa, Robyn, Rita, Amanda. Rita was the driver. Apparently, we should have left around 11:40, but finally got on the road about 2 hours later. Robyn had a spa appointment and an emergency CVS run. Not a big deal, I suppose, if we had planned to leave at that time and clued Robyn in on the need to change her hair appointment (spa makes it more dramatic). Rita was not happy, so I suggested I take over the wheel so she could start drinking gin. It would have been a good idea, since once we hit Mur Mur, all Rita drank was TONIC and gin, not GIN and tonic. Amanda busted out a mix CD, which was mucho fun to sing along to. At the rest stop, all four of us purchased fake teeth with the hopes that one of us would get the coveted golden grillz, but to no avail. We had so much at the rest stop that we almost came back to NY. But, we proceeded to our destination while Rita drank coffee that tasted like the rest stop. The car ride back was just as much fun, but funnier because we were starving and exhausted. Robyn’s GPS, who sounds like a 1-900 phone sex operator FINALLY found us a “restaurant”. WAWA. Talk about WAHWAH!! I do not suggest the mozzarella sticks. However, this week there is a hoagie special, so come one, come all. A
2. PWT. The fake teeth were busted out at The Old Homestead. It was probably not the classiest move, but as Countess Luann always says, “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” We have no money, so no worries there. I actually wore the fake teeth today at work for a bit. The kids loved them.
3. Speaking of the Countess (RHONY). I admired how she wore a fancy nightgown when she slept over Jill and Bobby Zarin’s one night, so I convinced my mother to bust out a nightgown from 1974 because I was too cheap to buy a silky number. It was literally from 1974. No exaggeration. It is somewhat of a tropical design featuring pinks and yellows. I could not fill in the chest area, but nonetheless, I reenacted the scene wear Jill Zarin happens upon Luann just casually reading in bed. I know what you are thinking: How mature (immature) is this girl? Seriously, the only way I can cope with daily life is to pull silly stunts such as these. People like it, we laugh, it is fun. Don’t come along if you are unwilling to play. Marmol actually owns the book Class with the Countess and she caught up on some reading while in AC as well. For about 28 hours, we all hummed/busted out her song which can be downloaded on ITUNES. Thank you Countess for providing us with material.
4. Jungle Cat in the Bathroom. Last week at a happy hour, a bunch of us decided to reenact scenes from the Hangover. The next day, we all had hangovers. I had planned to borrow a baby Bjorn from someone and wear it out. My mother was not a fan of this idea. I reminded her that hillbillies are in AC, as well as elderly males and females scooting around in wheelchairs while connected to Oxygen tanks. While smoking butts. And she is worried about how I would look with a baby bjorn? Instead, I bought a tiger mask and posed as a jungle cat in the bathroom. I also ironed. The jungle cat mask will coming along on the next venture with the ladies to Cape May. Again, immature, but fun. We are women in our 30’s who work in a middle school. We are young at heart. I love us.
5. Shakira Vid. There might be a video surfacing of me somewhere dancing as Shakira behind curtains.
6. The stripper. There wasn’t one. But, when a security guard approached our table at dinner inquiring about someone who fell down the stairs earlier in the evening, Amanda did not hesitate to ask if he was the stripper. He was not amused. However, many were amused when Amanda changed into her Tuxedo Stripper T and acted as our gentleman escort for the remainder of the night. SIDENOTE: I am wearing a Tuxedo T to our end of the year party. I plan to bedazzle it because I am just that kind of girl. These shirts are festive, appropriate and simple. I am pleased to already have the outfit planned out, but if you know me well enough, you know I already had something else lined up months ago!
7. The Bone. Rachel ML, the librarian at our school, has a dog that she always brings her leftovers to. Stop it!!! Not her husband, a four legged canine!!! So, true to her style, Rachel requested her bone from the porterhouse for two be wrapped up. There is Rachel waiting on line at Mur Mur with a gold tone carry out bag holding a bone. The people manning the line at the club instructed Rachel to leave the bag outside of the club. Sadly, the bone went into the garbage. But how often does one carry a bone around a casino with the intention of carrying it around a club?
8. SAMANTHA RONSON!! LOVE HER. She really gained fame as Lindsay Lohan’s gf, but beyond that, Sam, as I like to refer to her, is a sick DJ. She is in her early 30’s so she spins what we all know but mixes it in a way that makes someone want to stalk her every appearance within an hour radius of Long Beach. She is tiny and has a body like a pre-pubescent boy. She had on a flannel shirt (chap-stick).
9. SLASH! So, we are trying to get our groove on the dancefloor, but it is so packed that we are sweating and sort of swaying. Rita is asked to move over so that the velvet rope can provide entrance to an ugly man in a hat, silver hoop earring, and weird ass black curly hair pulled back in a pony tail. Said man brushes against Rita. Said man is GNR’s Slash, who is leading his own band and had performed earlier somewhere in the hotel. He is practically unrecognizable without his big sunglasses, hat and pouffed out coiffe. But, it was him and we were all a little star struck. (pics are on FB if you are my friend)
10. Bathroom Cell Phone Stalker. So, around 1:30 AM, I leave Rita and Robyn at the Black Jack Table. Rumble Rumble…. I hear a woman telling the bathroom attendant that she believes she has lost her cell phone in the bathroom. The duo begins to investigate the scene. I am doing what I gots to do and have the sneaking suspicion that someone is waiting for me to hurry up. About 40 minutes later, (just kidding)….A bit later, I exit the stall and realize my instincts were dead on. Missing cell phone woman was waiting for me to get out RIGHT BEHIND THE DOOR. Couldn’t her time have been used more productively? She could have asked if I had seen a cell phone in the toilet!!! But her ineffective use of time management was not rewarded in a good way when she pursued her cell phone search in the stall that I had just left….Let’s just leave it at that. (TMI??? Everybody poops!! It is a book!!)

11. 2 new phrases/terms from the weekend:
1. Mojito is apparently not just a drink. It is a work referring to a woman getting turned on. USE: “OOH!!! That just made me mojito!” (Hint: If you are not able to dissect this vague clue, it has to do with a response one might get in their girl-shirts).
2. ANNA (changed the original ‘A’ name to protect the innocent). A student’s mother thought it was a great idea to feed her daughter Ex-Lax due to some clogged plumbing. Said student had an explosion at school (are you shocked?) and was subsequently sent home. After more explosives at home, an email was sent to her teacher indicating that the “B.M. was so bad it was even in her vagina.” UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! Parents really share this info with us folks!
So, if I ever call you an “Anna”, I mean you are a va-j-j with crap in it.
Yes, I am SERIOUSLY disgusting and vulgar at times, but these are not even things that I made up!!!

All in all, this was a fun weekend. I laughed hard enough that I cried and even seem to think I spy a 1-pack forming on my stomach.