IS THAT SERIOUSLY YOUR NAME?

Hamburger
Chin
Paradise
Knee
Dickes
Vagiones (yes, this is real)
Seaman
Cockfield (my mom gave that one)
Mr. Doody (thanks again mom!)

What do all of these words have in common? They are last names; seriously odd ones if you really want my opinion. I came across these names while grading the New York state English Language Arts Assessment. Vagiones happens to be the last name of a colleague’s cousin; the family is Greek. During my days grading, I learned the story of this first name: Le-A. Apparently, the mother of the child bearing this name was upset that no one was ever able to correctly pronounce Le-A’s name. The reason: it was pronounced Le DASH a. Apparently Le-A’s mom was not a very good speller, since it really said Le HYPEN a.
All of this name talk got me to thinking about my own collection of last names. At work, I am known as the law firm of Wasserman, Hershkowitz, Wasserman, Shapiro. I can determine which years I have had certain students based upon what they call me when I am spotted about town. Just the other day I ran into a student from 6 years ago. She recalled me as Mrs. Hershkowitz had blonde hair. A lot has changed since that year. Another student I currently have informed me that his brother has a yearbook with me as Wasserman, his sister with me as Hershkowitz. This student will be the proud owner of the Shapiro version of me, which will complete the anthology of my names. The kids of course wanted to know why I have had so many names, so when I tell them I killed my first husband, they don’t look shocked, considering at this point in the year they are very well acquainted with my sense of humor. They say, “No, really. What happened?” I tell them I collect husbands. They are a savvy group of 7th graders and they know that New York is not a state that supports polygamy so I simply say that Mr. Hershkowitz was a douchebag. Just kidding. I am honest and tell them we did not get along. My students press me for details, but it is definitely crossing a line to share with them that a marriage simply cannot work when the husband has a girlfriend and a harem of hook ups that he prefers spending time with. Ho hum…
Whenever anyone I know gets married (or divorced), they come to me for procedural information. I am an expert. I should hang a sign with tear off phone numbers on bulletin boards in supermarkets and dry cleaners advertising how, when, and what to do when faced with the change of name. I certainly have done it enough; 3 times to be exact. (Does that make me “Lisa 3 times”?**) The easiest name change is the credit card. They automatically congratulate you, assuming it is a change due to marriage. When I was getting divorced, I informed the kind woman it was due to divorce and she quickly apologized. I told her to take the apology back; Wasserman is a way better than Hershkowitz (Hershey Squirts) and my dignity was still intact! DMV, Social Security; kind of annoying. You need divorce papers in hand and you need to know the best times to show up. The W-2 or W-4 at work and health insurance information can be a bit annoying too. Believe it or not, Cablevision refused to change anything until I sent them a copy of my freedom papers. I was even dropped in the online IEP system we use at work because someone in the admin. Office of my school district neglected to ever change my name , despite multiple requests. Apparently, they thought Lisa Wasserman had left the district. You would think that after the pain in the ass of phone calls, faxes, mailings, and waiting for my number to be called I would have learned my lesson, but no, I honored Josh’s wish to become a real deal Shapiro, so I traded in Wasserman one last time and became a Shapiro (Shappy, Shaps).
The multiple name changes have made my mail situation interesting. Just the other day, Lisa Wasserman and Lisa Shapiro received a reminder of where to vote for the school budget. Lisa Wasserman, Lisa Hershkowitz and Lisa Shapiro all received mailings to vote for one candidate or another during the local election season. It was especially interesting when Lisa Wasserman was summoned to jury duty, went and was dismissed. About a week later, Lisa Hershkowitz, of the same social security number, address and phone number was summoned. Despite my written response, I was issues another summons threatening some very bad thing s would happen if I did not step up and serve my civic duty. I responded with a very strongly worded letter, informing whoever works there to pay attention to what I wrote and to get their facts straight. LISA WASSERMAN IS LISA HERSHKOWITZ AND SHE ALREADY SERVED JURY DUTY!!!! Telemarketers call here looking for all three of me, and when they do not ask for Shapiro, I tell them she does not live here. I tell them that Shapiro does not live here either, but at least the latter has the records up to date. I still receive mail with all three last names and I suppose I will for a while. The “wrong” names are junk mail anyway.
But what’s in a name? I used to believe that changing your last name meant changing your identity and while it technically does on paper, a name does not make a person who they are. We are who we are regardless of a surname. This does not mean that if you meet someone whose last name is ‘Gambino’ you won’t wonder if they are of those ‘Gambinos’ , or if their last name is ‘Clinton’ as in DeWitt Clinton, are they related to Bill Clinton (this happened at school the other day). Dr. Hymen was the principal of my Hebrew school and of course, that name still makes me laugh. But his name didn’t make him a virgin.
Names are funny. I used to wonder if I would have had a different life if I had a different first name. The only thing I have to go on is that it could have been a possibility. I had a very different life as a Hershkowitz, and it was not a good one. So to the test taker whose last name is Dickes: it could always be worse. I would much rather have been a Dickes than a Hershkowitz.
**refers to a wild night in college that included grain alchohol