NAILGASM

I am a picker. Of my nails. However, in fourth grade, my friend Jill caught me with my index finger digging for gold. From across the room, Jill mouthed; "You pick your nose?" I mouthed back; "No!!!" Meanwhile, I had a finger up my nose and Jill had what we now refer to as the "wings" hair cut, which was probably a modified mullet of sorts, but apparently popular for 1984. I digress....

I LOVE a good mani pedi. BUT, the kiss of death, even for the best manicure, is a major chip that provides the opportunity for me to pick of the polish. But this girl cannot stop at one nail. I must proceed to pick of the polish of my nine remaining nails. My friend Cheryl does the same thing. In fact, a couple of years ago I purchased a "desk" supply of cotton balls and polish remover for us just so we could scrape off the stubborn streaks of lacquer that were clinging to life on our ghetto nails.

So then, what is a NAILGASM? It is a clean peel of the polish off of the nail. It leaves nothing behind. It is a triumph. A few weeks ago, I decided to try the new color gel manicure by O.P.I. I went with "Linkin Park After Dark" since I knew how the color was supposed to turn out (a very dark purple, perhaps closer to black). I did not want to risk an unknown color on a twenty five dollar manicure. I suppose I am cheap BUT, Andy, my manicurist boyfriend guaranteed the color would last for two weeks. "Lisa...two weeks...no chip!!!" He had me at "no chip", but I figured I should at least commit fourteen days to a color I was familiar with. I freakin' loved how my nails looked; shiny and new day after day for about five days. There I am, Omaha bound, strapped into the seat of Boeing when I notice it. Thand GOD I had a Xanax in me!!! There, on my ring finger of my right had was a BUBBLE!!!! I was faced with a decision: do I let it go, wait until I get to Omaha and a Walgreens so that I could pick and remove the GUARANTEED TO LAST TWO WEEKS POLISH, or do I start to pick? The dilemma was solved rather quickly. Because I was sitting in the middle seat of the plane, I decided not to gross out my neighbors as I flicked Linkin Park After Dark through the air. About four hours later (YES, I held out THAT LONG), I was finally settled in my bed at the Doubletree, four cookies to the wind, when I began to peel. Talk about worth the wait. I had one of the best NAILGASMS of my life. The polish came off my nails in one fell swoop. I nailgasmed TEN TIMES (ten fingers). It was A. MAY. ZING*. There was a neat pile of ten former "nails" on the night table.

I actually entertained the idea of investing another twenty five bucks just to experience the nailgasm again, but I got a grip and instead relived the moment with Cheryl upon my return to New York.

* A. MAY. ZING is a phrase coined by Robyn. It is also her Jersey Shore alias.