Mother??

In 12 weeks, I will be a mother. Some say you become a mother as soon as you are pregnant, and perhaps that is true, but as of now, it is just me that I have to get dressed in the morning, shower and feed. Obviously, Josh is there too, but I don't dress him, bathe him nor feed him in that very literal sense. That would be creepy. And weird. While I am very excited to meet my daughter (unless they tell me otherwise at my next doctor's appointment), I am also petrified. Here is a list of what keeps me up at night:

1. Bringing the baby home. I know others far less responsible than me, and their kids are still alive and kicking. I just think that for the last 35 years, it has just been me walking in that door. When Josh, baby and I walk in together, it will be the start of something very new.

2. What if my cats bug out and piss everywhere? All of you cat haters are saying "then you will just get rid of them", but I will never forgive myself if I see their little faces on one of those ASPCA commercials montaged to the tune of "In the Arms of the Angels" by Sarah McGloglin or however the hell you spell her name.

3. My husband. I love Josh. He has many great qualities, but he does tend to forget things. What if he forgets the baby in the car, or leaves her home while I am out? We have enrolled in a child care class primarily so he can get a crash course in diapers, feedings, etc. The basics. I needed Josh to put the Swiffer pad on the Swiffer since my nails were still drying. Sheba sat there staring at him. I swear that if she could speak, she would have said "If I had thumbs, that shit would have been done ten times over." Hence, I felt that the child care class will be worthwhile time and money spent.

4. What if I look like Walter Hudson? I have gained weight. You are supposed to. I am not a complete animal, but I definitely have embraced carbs after a long hiatus away from them. One friend commented about the point of my going to the gym if I have already gained x amount of pounds (UMMMM......it's part of my day, I enjoy it, it's good for your physical and mental health, I can kick your ass...), while others have said I look great, the weight is just in my belly and maintaining my workouts will only make things easier during labor and after when I can go back to really working out (READ: HEARTRATE ABOVE 140 BPMS, sweaty everything). To those people, both friends and gym class instructors, I love you and thank you!!! BUT, what if my 35 year old body decides to give me the finger and I still look pregnant 3 months later??? UGGGG!!! But, if Jennifer Hudson can do it on Weight Watchers, so can I. WARNING: I will be miserable without the carbs, but I am a bitch anyway, so deal.

5. What if my daughter is a bitch like me? Then I suppose my parents "wish" came true. Flashback: During any particularly awful teenage argument, my parents yelling back "Someday we hope you have a kid just like you!!!!"

6. A giant, stretched out vaj and the ability to be a stand-in for National Geographic photo shoots. I will just leave it at that....

I think that with anything new, there is a level of fear/anxiety/diarrhea. I will make it through this with the help of Effexor and wine, supportive family and friends, and the occasional good cry. And you will all get to travel the road with me, provided I manage to get my ass on the blog circuit every now and again.